Growing up

Just a little bit ago I looked at my sisters blog and it talked about her new jobs and how she's moving to San Francisco. It's pretty amazing to me how fast time flew. I can still recall spending hours on end in our sideyard or the time she threw my barbie boombox in the bushes. It's hard to believe she's 22 and i'm now less then a month to being 19. We've always been insanely close yet of course we still have our sibling fights like anyone does. They just don't involve barbie boomboxes getting thrown into the bushes nowadays. I know we'll always come out of it even if were stubborn as hell. We both love eachother and can't imagine how it would be without eachother. My sister has been my rock throughout my life considering she's always there through everything. She has always been my best friend. She has also always been the person I have looked up to in many things. In six months my sister will be moving to take a job with dow jones. I hope I can be that brillaint and do that with my life by the time I am 22. I hope she knows just how proud of her I am. It's hard being away at college and I know I wont see her much before she moves. I plan to not waste time and to live it up as much with her while I can. Since I know that i will be seeing her a lot less when she moves. Though i'm excited to see where life ends up taking her. Baby basketball loves her very much. I think an extra blast from the past is needed to sum this up.

What i'm greatful to have in my life

Right now I feel so lucky and I feel I should elaborate on the things I love and feel lucky to have. Bad things have happened lately, but I really have so many reasons to be happy. I've always had the mentality that good things don't last and bad things always happen so I will never be truly happy. In the past two weeks, I have decided to throw that out the window. I've thought it my entire life and that maybe have even screwed up things i've had since I never thought it would last. If I feel that it's going to be a bad day or if things are going to go wrong, then they will. It's just because I saw it that way. I now believe in starting everyday off smiling. I try and just smile at who I see or go out of the way to help or be nice to somebody. I've realized that not only does it help me and make me feel better, but it may just make someone else too. It also helps to meet new people around here. Now I will go into what I love just so much in my life.

I love my family. They've always been there but especially this year have they all stepped up and shown an amazing amount of support. Because of what my parents have sacrificed right now, I'm currently able to stay in school. My parents are very giving to people and they are both just good human beings. I admire their strength and their hearts. I also love my siblings so much. Also Adam who has been like a brother to me. I'm so unbelievably proud of the two jobs my sister has gotten lately. I will miss her dearly, but I am so glad to watch here fly and create a life based on her talents. San Francisco is going to love her. I'm also very happy that in a few days, my grandma will be back living here.

I love being able to go to school. Many people take this for granted and I did too at the beginning of this semester. I cried harder then I have in a long time when I heard that there was a high possibility that this would be my last week here. I'm not ready to leave here just yet, and I do absolutely love this school. I'm very happy I will be back next semester. When the first bit of my tuition got paid last night, I cried because I was so happy. I walked over to one of my roommates in tears just telling her how incredible it was. One of my good friends was telling me how he completely pays for his school and everything up here. It's amazing to see someone so self sufficient and i've decided I will be doing that too. I'm going to go into loans and continue working to support everything else. I don't want any burdens on my parents. They have done more then enough to get me here.


I love my job and having one. I've been with my company since June 08 and I have no intention of leaving anytime soon. I always love the people I work with and the management I have. Plus I have opportunity by being able to transfer my job so easily. People ask me why I haven't gotten a new job but I have no reason to do so. Jobs are hard to come by and for an eighteen year old, I make good money. I like what I do and I love meeting great people through working there.


I love my best friend and all of my other wonderful friends. I love my best friend so very much. It never even strikes me that we have an age difference since is so mature. I feel like she makes me a better person with how strong and positive she is. We always have fun times and without fail we call each other everyday and always say we love each other. Carson, Bekah, Nick, Rob, Lauren. I had two other very close friends all throughout high school and I lost them this year. Honestly it didn't effect me much because I realized what other amazing people I had and I didn't need that around. Three of them have been my close friends for close to seven years. The other two for about four years. These people have picked up the phone for me at two am when I have been in tears and they have always been wonderful friends. We have had amazing times together and we continue. I love them so much and I would do anything for them. I have many other great friends in Logan or from Park City who have gone off to college. All of these friends have just made a significant impact on my life. This year I met another person who has changed my life for the better. I have never met someone who is more of a man and who can just stay strong through bad situations. He's also always there for me and all of his other friends no matter what is happening. There are many other reasons, but those are some that make me completely love this person.

This is very long. I should probably get to finishing up my last couple assignments so this semester will officially be done.

Awesomeeeee

All I can say right now is that everything is working out. I got the first bit of my tuition paid last night. Meaning i'll still be here another semester. I am quite happy about that. I feel like it will be a great semester. Other things have just gone well and i'm completely ready for a fantastic break. My week alone in Logan has started but I don't think it will be that bad. Between work, sleep, and watching shows it wont be much different. Just a lot more quiet. Well I thought a quick update would be good before I get busy working this weekend. Have a great start of the break everyone! <3 :)

Over the past week, things have been really great. I just figured out how to make things better, and everything got better. It made me love it again here. I was really buried in school and work but I enjoyed it. I also really love my job so that's a plus. I had my last final today and I did really well so I was really happy about it. Friday my tuition got paid off. Yet yesterday there were fees that weren't on my payment, that still held my account. I paid those and finally registered for classes. Then today I found out next semesters tuition is due on Friday. I can do a payment plan but I can't come up with 1400 dollars by then and my loans wont go through for a few weeks. My dad has done a lot and he told me it's not exactly possible to do it by then. I was told that I may just have to leave school for a semester. It was hard here for a while but I got through it. I'm strong now and know how to deal with the bad things and i'm finally starting to love it again here. I also don't want to leave school. I absolutely love what classes I have for next semester too. I know that everything happens for a reason, but I do hope that it works out to stay here another semester. I'm having a really hard time with this and I just hope it works out for the best. Right now I really don't know though. I don't really know how much this matters to anyone but that's the update. Hopefully i'll have a very happy post in a few days.

Ohh dead week

It is officially dead week, where apparently there are supposed to be no exams. Even though I had one today. Then I feel like all of my professors assigned projects and papers this week. Of course I have been working my tush off and not sleeping. I hardly sleep whenever i'm stressed. My mono has gotten a lot better, yet i'm still tired a lot. Due to having a weak immune system, it has taken a lot longer for it to get better. Lack of sleep on top of that makes it really hard but i'm managing. My sister taught me to schedule my naps in everyday and to just drag my butt out of bed for class no matter how tired I am. It definitely has worked. Between school and work, that's all I have going on. I did get an email for the registrar regarding how i'm not signed up for next semesters classes. If i'm not signed up by this week, i'm pretty much going to be considering withdrawn and that i'm not coming back next semester. Now that i've come to the point where I think it's best to stay for next semester, this is really stressful. I don't really know what's going to happen, but I know everyone is doing what they can to get it paid. We'll just have to see.

There is a possibility I am just going to make this blog available to followers on this, which would be my good friends that live far away, which was my original intention of this. I wasn't aware of just how many people looked at this and who exactly up until the past couple weeks. There are just some people I would rather not have knowing anything about my life, and I know they read this. All of my close friends do these so we can keep each other updated on our lives. Especially considering all of my close friends are across the state, country, or even in another country. I'll figure things out, but yeah if it goes away that will be why.

To sum it all up, everything is really good right now. Even through all of the stress I am really happy. I just keep figuring out ways that help me and of course I have many lovely people in my life that make everything great. Anyways I have work in a couple hours and a massive list of assignments to do. I will most likely update this coming weekend. I wanted to post a couple pictures that were kind of funny to me. I'm not exactly a messy person but it does tend to accumulate every once in a while. Then it will drive me nuts and i'll beautify it. It's always a cycle and i'm realizing I definitely have some of my mother in me when it comes to cleanliness. I deep cleaned my room yesterday and within fifteen hours of being in my room and studying, my desk accumulated quite a bit. It definitely is the looks of someone trying to keep themselves alert to keep studying.


My dorm after it was deep cleaned


15 hours later

Strength and Inspiration

It was definitely a long and stressful week. I had a big paper due on wednesday and I had my Sociology final on friday. Between those, classes, and work it was really stressful. I was holed up in the library and my room every night working. I know how much I have riding on these grades staying up. I also had to deal with some guys and their ridiculous drama. It's pretty sad when they have a war going on between eachother and they bring someone that's not involved as a pawn in their game to spite eachother. It's not something I want to go into on here, but i'm finding out that a lot of guys are really pricks. Anyways I worked my ass off to ace my exam, got in and took it and I felt like I knew all of it. I somehow bombed it. I don't even know how it's possible. That screwed up my most important grade and I don't exactly know what to do from here. If it's a class for your major, you have to get a high grade before you go onto the next set of classes. Plus it will screw up my GPA for my transfer. I'm at a loss for knowing where i'll be next year or what will happen, but I just know I need to keep trying and hopefully my professor will work with me.

This week I did get an offer to go to New York in January. I'll have all of my birthday and Christmas money so I can actually afford it. If there is room for me to stay where she is staying, then I will most likely be going. I pretty much just told my parents I was. I'll be 19 by then and it's somewhere I really want to go.

Anyways lately I just continue to be completely inspired by certain people. I hear people everyday that are just upset by teenage drama. Well I live around most of it. Here i'm watching someone I love so much pushing through while having leukemia. I absolutely admire people that keep going to make the best of their life when they have hard things such as this. I just found out about a friend who has lost his hearing, and he is a musician. It's amazing to see that they don't let any of this tear them down, they keep fighting. I know so many other stories of people around me who are so strong. A lot of people like to feel better as realizing that their are others that have it harder then them. I like to just look around and see the strength of others. It's one thing that inspires me when i'm having a hard time of a much lesser nature. I also do what I can to help those that are just trying to keep pushing through.

In two weeks i'll be done with my first semester of college. I know what I want to do in life but it's about managing and working my way there. In my first four months of college and being away from home, i've already realized and experienced a lot. I also have an amazing support system. My parents, siblings, and realizing who my closest friends are. One way or another I know i'll get through everything. Just have to keep on trying. I must get to my homework now. Everyone have an amazing week.

After an amazing break

I thought I would have written by monday, but I have been so busy! On monday I got to Orem. It had been snowing really hard in the morning, so i didn't think I would be able to get down there. Even though the sun came out so I was able to! I had lunch with my sister before she headed to Texas for thanksgiving. I also filmed my sister for something she had to do for a job she was applying for. We hiked up to a place near cottonwood and it was beautiful. I then got to see Carson and Bekah. I missed them so much and i'm glad I got to see them. It was a fabulous day and i'm so glad it worked out. Tuesday I had thanksgiving with my dad and we just went and got sushi. It was a perfect thanksgiving to have with him. Wednesday I got up to Park City. Both of my stepsisters were in along with my nephew and brother in law. I'm so glad I was able to spend so much time with them this week. I can't believe the next time I see my nephew that he will be a toddler. I hate that they are all so far away. I spent a lot of wednesday with Nicole too. I have missed her so much! Thanksgiving was wonderful and we had my stepdads entire family up. A couple of them tend to drive me nuts but most I like. It was then black friday so I worked the morning shift and night shift. A lot of my coworkers from this summer came back just to work black friday. It was great and I have really missed my job there and my coworkers that I was close to. I got called into work today so i had to cut my trip short and come back to Logan. Even though I decided to make the best of it and it turned out to be a good day. Plus I definitely will love having a bigger paycheck. I found out that I can go home for a couple weeks of christmas break instead of staying in Logan the whole time to work. I can transfer to the pc store for that time and then come back when school starts. This has made me so happy that I keep my job and get to go back to family and friends. It definitely added to my day being great. One of my roomates also came back early and we ended up talking for a couple hours. Something I think that was needed given what has happened with some of my other roomates.I also got to see a friend I don't see often so there was definitely reasoning behind me coming back early.

I have absolutely no complaints of my break. It was absolutely perfect. I spent a lot of it taking care of my nephew too. I have fallen in love with that little one so much. I kept asking to feed him and take him and even change him. When I came back at four am on black friday, my stepsister was up with him. I was like "Let me take him and feed him for you!" It's definitely a lot of work and I love him so much, but I am really glad i'm just a working student. I would love so much to be a mother one day, but definitely not for another ten years.

I feel like i always realize the most on my trips home. I just needed to get back to my happy self and de-stress. It helps me realize when I just need to make things better and not expect that because things aren't going perfectly, that they wont get better. As i've said before and just needed to realize again, i can make them better on my own. Hopefully i'll stay happy and with this attitude. My roomates are coming back tomorrow and finals start this week. Yet i think it will all work out. The only thing that has been slightly hard this week is that I haven't heard from someone who I have looked at to be one of my closest friends. I'm trying not to take it personal, but it's hard. I feel like i'm being avoided. I guess i'll just have to see. Anyways it is almost four am and I need to sleep so I can get up and spend my day studying. To everyone who is finishing up the semester, I wish you luck. I also hope everyone is staying safe with this weather that has started. Here are just a couple photos from my break!


Baby Austin and I


Overlooking the city

Greatful for my family and friends

Well I haven't posted in a few days. School and everything else has been pretty good. I've been happy. I felt reasonably well most of the week. Until wednesday night when I hit a wall and got sick again. On Thursday my friend was telling me I probably had mono, since I had all the symptoms and my glands were swollen. I went back to the doctor today. I do in fact have mono. Five weeks ago when I was first diagnosed with my two infectons, I had tested negative for mono. Apparently when it's first developing, it's not always detectable in the blood. Now we understand why I have been so incredibly sick for so long. He said it usually goes away in about 6-7 weeks, so hopefully it will be gone soon. I came home for the weekend. I got to see Nicole tonight. I have missed her so much and we had some amazing conversations. I'm glad I have such a strong and sweet best friend. Now I get to spend the rest of the weekend with my family and her which I am so glad I get to do. Things really are pretty good considering. I'm still so excited for Thanksgiving and that weekend. Then Christmas will be coming up! I also still have my countdown till Rob gets here and my birthday. Everything is looking up. With the things that are hard, we all have a great perspective and hope. There is no reason to waste time on being angry or upset when everyone is still here and able to make good memories. That's my perspective. I heard this quote on one of my favorite shows and it's really true. "Happiness is a mood, not all days will you be happy, but it is not nessicarily something that needs to work to be achieved in a long stretch of time." It was something along those lines. I'm living in the moment and making everything the best it can be. I also found out today that my grandma was in the hospital last week due to a rollover on her scooter. No one could reach my aunt who was out of the country and they didn't have numbers for my dad or other aunt. After this she has decided to move back. I'm very close with her and i'm happy she is. When I was in 7th grade I'd go to her place just about everyday after school. We would watch Dr. Phil, Oprah, Play cards, and then go to dinner. She is an incredible person and has remained sharp up until 91 years old. I'm glad she will be here for the last years of her life. I've lost two grandmas in the past five years, and it has been hard. One of them pratically helped raise me, but when she got sick and moved across the state, I didn't see her as much in the last years of her life. My other grandma is my step grandma that I got very close to in five years. I don't want to lose another while i'm not there. I hope she remains healthy, but I know realistically that wont be the case. I can hope for the best as I am in every situation. I'm just glad I get to be close to her again. Anyways I am exhausted. I will write later. Night all. Stay safe.

I may just be back

I feel like i'm getting back to a happy point. I pretty much sat in my apartment this weekend and watched season 2 of gossip girl. Yes, I have found how to cure my loneliness. It seemed to work rather well. Once again I pondered the situations before me. I'm trying to maintain the highest amount of happiness and figuring out ways to do so. In some cases that meant getting certain people out of my life. After my breakup I went from dating such a sweet person to guys that just aren't the nicest. I continually went back to the same one. I don't need someone that ignores me most of the time and just calls me when he gets lonely. Self respect and walking away is a beautiful thing. But what happens to counteract this? I have three new people come into my life. A couple are still making their way in, but it's just amazing how this happens. It gives me hope that it will get better. Of course once I have my mind clear, I go with my philosophy of doing what I can to better things. Meeting new people and doing what I love just seems to go with that. I've still had to try and move on from my break up too. I feel like your heart has to start to let go before you can fully try and move on. When we ended things and I knew it was best to, yet when you have those feelings there it isn't the easiest thing to do.

As everyone knows I have been insanely sick since i've come to school. With my two infections that never seem to leave and other things to it. I'm hoping that I'm starting to get better. After fighting those several times over, and that I am actually taking medication to boost my immune system. It's looking good. I want to be a normal college student who doesn't miss class. I love learning and school. I really think it made me even more depressed being out of classes and not being there to live up to my full potential. Instead I was just doing a little effort to get through classes since I was too sick to deal with them all full force.

I believe things are starting to look up. Not just a good perspective but things are starting to get better. I'm so excited for the holidays. Then soon after that it's my birthday and Rob will be here! :). Hopefully I'll be able to do my intership in California this summer. The way to be happy is to live your life fully and invest love into your relationships. My parents, sister, and few close friends have boosted me up a lot. I love having great phone calls and knowing that they're there, even if they are far away is distance. I even love those sweet phone calls from my little brother, and just being able to hear that sweet little voice when he tells me he loves me. Small little things that make me feel so much better.

Oh and if I have learned anything this past week. Many guys are just creepers. Last week was creeper week and I had so many odd experiences. Even though my heart to heart with my new guy manager did help me understand guys so much better right now. With my recent situations. It was a great and interesting perspective.

Anyways this is so long and I have classes to catch up on. I love you all! Enjoy the snow.

Well this weekend was amazing. I had a lot of fun at the howl and it was just great. Sunday I had to work at nine, which was awful. Then I just layed around at my dorm. It wasn't too exciting. Yesterday I had to go to court. We got up there and they didn't have a paper that was needed that was relating to my plea, so I have to go back on the 29th. I essentially missed class for nothing. I took a certain person to court today that was there that night. They ended up getting two days jail time. We saw it was coming due to the judge, but it broke my heart hearing that. Were good kids that were just in a stupid situation and we've learned from it. It's not fair that this is happening. Also with what happened that night. My god I just don't understand.

I'm also tired of so many people around me. I'm sick of listening to people judge others. I don't have anyone here I can talk to. I want to be home right now. I absolutely want my family more then anything. It's beyond me what to do right now. I love going to school, but i'm just not sure how much I can stand certain people here. I feel like i'm back in Utah County, and i hate that. I'm not mormon or conservative. My views are very different. I don't go around drinking even if I hang out with people that do sometimes. And yeah I have dated a lot of people this year and I can tell i'm looked down on for that. I can tell people just think they know everything I do because I hang out with certain people or because I date different people. I love my university and many friends here, but this is bothering me a lot. Along with i'm really only close to one person, and I never see him. I don't know right now. We'll see how things go.

Yesterday and today have been perfect. I ran a booth at the masa carnival yesterday and I loved it. It was so nice to volunteer and see so many cute little kids. Then the dance last night was fun for a little while. I started at aeropostale here in Logan today. I absolutely love it. My boss and coworkers are so friendly, and I like it there too. It's a lot less busy from Park City, so that will take getting used to. I essentially got paid to pass out candy today. Once again, I loved the cute children and their costumes. There were even parents that had their kids take pictures with me, since they liked my peacock costume so much. It was really entertaining. The howl is tonight and I am SO excited. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, so I absolutely love everything going on. I have no complaints right now. Great attitude and i'm just done with any negative people in my life. After my break up, I was having such a hard time that I got with some not so great guys. Nothing really happened, but some of them are just users and I don't want that. I've had some really awful breakups and guys this year. I have decided that I want to remain single for a while. Yeah I don't think anyone though they would EVER hear me say that considering i'm always with someone. Hell my roomates give me so much shit for how many guys i've dated this school year. I need to focus on myself and school, and not focus on assholes that try and use me. I know not all guys are like that, and when it's meant to happen, it will. I'm glad that Charlie is one of my closest friends, and even though we broke up, were still close. I'm just glad there are still good guys out there like that. They don't just try and get in your pants, and they are actually there for you when you need it. Thank you to the good guys out there. Rob, Carson, Nick, and Charlie are the sweetest guys I know. I'm so glad I have them. That's all I have for everyone. I'll write on monday and do my court update. hahaha

Happiness

It has definitely been a week of ups and downs. Yet I have felt a lot better from last week. It has really only been at night that i hurt, but it hasn't been that much. As of today I just feel amazing and so happy. I've talked to so many amazing friends this week. Rob has called me from England and Lauren and I had a two hour conversation the other night. It's hard having two of my closest friends in England and California. I love them and I am so glad that I have such good friends. I've also talked to my family a lot this week and spent time with people around campus and in my building. I am surrounded by some amazing people. It's amazing how just changing your mindset can help everything so much. There are still hard things going on, but it helps being positive and realizing the good things in your life. I've been looking at a blog this week that has made me so greatful for everything. Growing up, my family was really close with a family that had three kids. After my parents divorce and through our moves, we slightly lost touch. Recently we found out their son, who was mine and my sisters friend in our childhood, had a drug overdose and is in a coma. This happened back in March and they have a blog going documenting just about everyday of how he is doing. We all take being healthy for granted everyday, and I couldn't imagine how I would handle it if any of my siblings were in a coma. I'm so greatful and happy to have so many wonderful people around me, along with getting better from being sick, and also being able to go to school. Just so many simple things i'm glad to have right now. Anyways it is now Halloween weekend and I start work tomorrow and it's the Howl. It will be a really fun weekend. That's all I really have to say. I will post later. <3

Beauty in the morning

After a very long and scary drive last night, I finally made it back to Logan. I spent my time after studying and doing other needed assignment. Once all was done, I just layed in bed and listened to the rain fall outside my window until Four am. I feel like I can think the best within the calm and just beautiful things such as that. I even started to go over song lyrics in my head, which doesn't happen a lot lately. This morning I dragged myself out of bed at 7:30 and begrudingly made my walk to the library to get my textbook back by eight. I was half asleep and didn't want to make the walk in the cold. That soon changed once I stepped outside and it was so nice. It wasn't too cold and I looked up and could see the snow dusted on the mountains. I knew that winter was finally starting to grace us. I started out my day with a nice walk in the lovely new winter morning and my cup of coffee.

It's simple things like that that make me so greatful and just brings me a bit of happiness. I know I made the best decision going home this weekend. I needed just to be alone and think about all of these obstacles in my life. Along with being able to talk to my mom and spend time with my little brother. On Sunday I slept in and took my brother out to lunch. We then got stuff to paint pumpkins and I got my coffee and he got his ice cream. It was a wonderful and pleasant relaxing day. It was also nice that I got some unexpected yet good texts at 3 am that definitely started my day on a high note. I'm glad to feel happy again and that I have finally let go of my guilt and anger. By no means is anything going to be easy, but I know it will be okay. I get to go to court on the 1st for my lovely MIP. Hey maybe they will be nice to me for my .01 alcohol level. It's ridiculous but I'm not worried. I'm just concerned for everyone else. I believe what Charlie says though and I know that shit happens but it will all pan out. That's the update on everything. I hope everyone is having a fantastic week before Halloween. I will be posting soon. <3

Change

I posted just a day or two ago about how I have been trying to get through everything. It had been a month since I had been holding it in, and I spoke rarely and to only a couple people about everything. Last night was great when I went to the homecoming dance with the girls. Afterwards I don't know what hit me, and I just hit a really low point, and I spent two hours in tears over everything. I woke up today and I was packed and in my car within ten minutes. I just decided I needed to go home. I thought my entire car ride home, and I managed to find the reasoning in a few situations. I fully understand my relationship ending. He came into my life for a reason, but that isn't to be together. I have realized that I need to be strong for the people around me, and I can't let this tear me down. The situatons are hard, but were all going to make it through. All of us will come out of it stronger. We all will be okay. I appreciate the people that have been there to help me through this. That have been sincerely. I'm glad I do have good guy friends that don't think the way to help me is by trying to do things with me. I'm better then that, and I don't need anyone in my life that pulls shit like that. Anyways I am finally feeling better thanks to a good support system. Let's hope it stays this way.

Fighting

I'm in my first semester of college and I have had some very amazing times already, yet right now I just want to be home. I feel like ever since that night, it tore everything apart. Everything was a downfall from there. A lot of what is going on isn't even linked to it, even though so much is still happening. I feel guilty if I am happy here when there are people I love back in Park City that are hurting. Right now I feel like I can't do enough, and i'm even disconnecting myself from people here because I am hurting so much. I'm so stressed with everything back home and trying to keep up with school, that I can't even get my health back to where it should be. I don't know how I could live with it if someone I love happens to pass, and I'm here. I've considered coming home next semester, but I don't want to do anything to put my education and my future at stake. Too many bad things are happening to good people. I've always had my "everything has it's reason" philosophy, yet I just can't see it in any of these situations. I just want everyone to be healthy, I want them to have everything and not be in this stress, and I want my relationship back. I've never had regrets, and that night has changed it for me. I want my happiness back to where it was when I first got here. I strengthened myself this summer to where I had such an amazing outlook on life and I was still reasonably happy and I never cried. I just saw my future here holding amazing things. Right now I don't know what I have to look forward to and that just kills me. I feel like I have no one here for me and I have never wanted my family so bad. The eleven dollars in my account wont get me home. I constantly have people around me, yet i'm so lonely. My roomates are close to eachother, but I missed out on that by being with others at the beginning of the year and having a boyfriend. I'm so left out and hurt from it. I go into my room and just sob every night now. I have never hurt this much and I just hope that I can get the strength and pull myself from it soon. I have to make things better for myself, and I just hope I'll have that heart to do that sometime soon. No one should take this as I'm ready to end it, since I definitely wont. This just slightly explains my feelings and why i'm like this right now. I'm trying right now and I don't want to lose people out of my life at a time where I just don't know how to keep anybody in.

This week definitely was one of the hardest I have ever had. Yet I made it through it all and was just glad I have the people i love in my life. Last night just put everything into perspective even more. Our run in with the law was a mistake, but I reached the realization that it would be okay. Having the people I love is the only thing that matters, losing things really does not matter anymore. It wasn't until my friend had a gun in his mouth and another had just gone to the hospital, that it really hit me and just struck me with such a horrible sense of terror. I came to terms with my loss fast, but nothing is more terrifying then just hoping to god you don't hear a gunshot. Especially after the person you're with has just gone after them.

I have realized that I don't care what the hell happens to me. As long as my family and friends are safe, then that's all I care about. I'd hope for all others to be too, I just couldn't wish harm or pain on anyone. You can replace material possesions and just move on from it. You keep on living, but what do you do if you lose a person in your life that you love. That I just don't want to ever happen.