Fighting

I'm in my first semester of college and I have had some very amazing times already, yet right now I just want to be home. I feel like ever since that night, it tore everything apart. Everything was a downfall from there. A lot of what is going on isn't even linked to it, even though so much is still happening. I feel guilty if I am happy here when there are people I love back in Park City that are hurting. Right now I feel like I can't do enough, and i'm even disconnecting myself from people here because I am hurting so much. I'm so stressed with everything back home and trying to keep up with school, that I can't even get my health back to where it should be. I don't know how I could live with it if someone I love happens to pass, and I'm here. I've considered coming home next semester, but I don't want to do anything to put my education and my future at stake. Too many bad things are happening to good people. I've always had my "everything has it's reason" philosophy, yet I just can't see it in any of these situations. I just want everyone to be healthy, I want them to have everything and not be in this stress, and I want my relationship back. I've never had regrets, and that night has changed it for me. I want my happiness back to where it was when I first got here. I strengthened myself this summer to where I had such an amazing outlook on life and I was still reasonably happy and I never cried. I just saw my future here holding amazing things. Right now I don't know what I have to look forward to and that just kills me. I feel like I have no one here for me and I have never wanted my family so bad. The eleven dollars in my account wont get me home. I constantly have people around me, yet i'm so lonely. My roomates are close to eachother, but I missed out on that by being with others at the beginning of the year and having a boyfriend. I'm so left out and hurt from it. I go into my room and just sob every night now. I have never hurt this much and I just hope that I can get the strength and pull myself from it soon. I have to make things better for myself, and I just hope I'll have that heart to do that sometime soon. No one should take this as I'm ready to end it, since I definitely wont. This just slightly explains my feelings and why i'm like this right now. I'm trying right now and I don't want to lose people out of my life at a time where I just don't know how to keep anybody in.