It's been a while since i posted and most of which were utterly depressing so i figured i'd explain all that and update.

A lot of people who hang around me have sensed something has been wrong with me the past few months. Only a few who finally came to know about what was going on. These past few months have been some of the hardest of my life and i'm just glad i have come out of it. I'm not going to hide all of it from everyone because that's what lead to my downfall. It may be personal but it's something i need to be open about.

I have been severely depressed over this time. People have to realize that people who have depression can get like that for no reason. I've heard people say that people who are sometimes have no reason to be. It's something that is so hard to get out of and unless you reach out for help, it's nearly impossible to come out of. Then little bad things that happen are so much worse when someone is depressed. After I got sick early in the semester and had my car accident, i had started to get behind in classes. This just led to me getting really stressed and feeling like a failure. Then just small things happening with people in my life and my job and I immediately spiraled down. I got to the point where i would sleep until four in the afternoon to avoid getting up and going out and I didn't enjoy it when i went anywhere with people. I didn't see what good there was in anything anymore and I no longer thought i was capable of doing well in anything. I let it get really bad for a month and finally i realized i needed to get help. And ya know when people tell my parents that i am being a "rollercoaster" it didn't exactly help how i felt. So thanks for being assholes when you didn't know what was going on.

It's been about a week since i've started feeling better due to better medication and since some people finally understood why i was the way i was. I finally just feel happy and find enjoyment in things. I did somehow make it through my classes. They aren't amazing but I know it can't be changed. I'm so excited that i have the break to see my family and hang out with people and go to Colorado. Then i'll come back to a new semester and a fresh start. I still have all this sickness going on but i'm hoping it will all get figured out soon. I just know that everything is going to be okay.

And so we run so far, chasing after everything we want in life, only to watch it fade away in front of us.

That essentially goes to explain a lot of what i've felt like these past few weeks. I've watched something go wrong in every aspect of my life during this time and just not know what to do. It's awful feeling so drained that you just want to give up. I'm grateful that i have the friends that i do, since they helped so much to pull me out of it. Within the past few days i definitely have hope that things may be getting better. So many bad things happen in life and during those times you do need the help of loved ones, it's just sad when those loved ones aren't helping and just contribute to the hurt. Sometimes people just need to stop being stubborn and be there when a loved one needs it.

I always believe that things happen for a reason and once that reasoning is found, it makes it easier to get through what is happening. In some of the aspects i have found it which has been another thing that has helped me through what's going on. I just need to keep remembering that everything will work out how it should. Hopefully a couple things will pan out this week. I'll just have to see. Anyways that's all i have.

Of all the things i know right now

Heartbreaks are a bitch to get over. You would think after quite a while and liking other people that it would go away though no matter what that person will be on your mind. Especially when they shouldn't be because they were such a prick and don't deserve to call themself a man.

Men drive me nutty. One day they're so sweet and the next they're doing some dickish thing. What the hell. (This is generally every guy. I don't want any guy i'm close with or dating to get upset and think i'm calling them a dick. Everything is good right now but of course this is annoying when it occurs)

It really makes you feel like shit when you work your ass off for something for years and don't end up getting it.

It's really sad when you need members of your family and they're not there for you and couldn't give a shit. Unless they're just trying to make you feel awful and reinforce that even when you go to school full time and work two jobs (not to mention i just got offered a third) that you still just aren't good enough.

Well not to mention on that one that i have never been so overwhelmed then at this moment. Though i refuse to give up on any of it.

I don't get people who ya thought you were close to and you come back to school and they don't even awknowledge you. Awesome.

Lastly, i am uberly stoked on being completely alone on Christmas. No, not at all but sarcasm is fun.

Even though all of this sucks right now and my heart hurts a ridiculous amount, i have some amazing friends who i wouldn't trade anything in the world for. Even with all this i am blessed with some amazing friends right now and the best roommates i could ask for. Though of course they're on the amazing friends category. I know things will get better and i just need to keep plugging through. Thank goodness for those friends or i would just let all this make me never want to leave my bed right now. Such is life though and there will be a lesson and strength in all of this no matter how hard it all is.

I'm not entirely sure why i just did this in second person but oh well. Anyways that's all i have. Here's to a good November.

The down weeks

I feel as if it doesn't matter how great your life is, there will be weeks where everything just becomes too much and bad things happen. Even this week in sociology we were discussing about families and the different upbringings we all had. It just brought me back to how sometimes how i miss those days. It was my sister and i against the world and we had no idea what bad was ever occuring. The days before i ever worried about bills, how much homework or work i had, or when i felt so insecure and hurt. I never had to ponder what the hell it was that was wrong with me of why i guy just up and walked away without a word. The fact that i now let that hurt my current relationship because i always wonder why i'm not good enough.

This year has been amazing and i'm just not entirely sure why i have been so upset all week. It's definitely a mixture of things though i just shouldn't have been as badly as i was. I'm just ready to go and see my sister and make up my mind to what i want to do. I don't know if i want to stay here the entire year. I feel as if i'm just burnt out and just need the person who has been there my entire life and who i've always been the closest to. I'm letting my past effect me too much and maybe getting out of here is the solution to that and the hurt that it brings. It's really awful that it took my car accident and all the care from people to help me see that i'm not so alone. I have wonderful friends and i know that but there was just still something in me that caused me to wonder about a lot of people and that kind of helped it. Everything is just complicated and i have been under so much stress that my emotions are wacked out. Hopefully next week brings something better. Anyways that's all i really have to update.

fulfillment

16 credits, two jobs, and one hell of a social life. This year has started out wonderfully. Without a doubt i'm insanely busy, but everything is just great. I'm working hard yet i'm still able to play hard and really enjoy everything. I finally have a group of friends that i have been wanting for so long. Were all just tight knit and it's great just to have dinners with them or all the random fun activities we can go out and do. My heart really hurt a lot coming into this year and it really has just repaired amazingly in such a short period. People come into your life when ya need it. I also came into this year believing that a good guy with good intentions didn't exist and i think i may have actually been proved wrong.

Then i have made the decision to move to California in may. Well why would i choose to move if i love my life so much here? There are several reasons to it.
1. I miss my sister and her boyfriend and i really want to be by them
2. I've lived in Utah almost my entire life and think it would be great to try a completely different place
3. I've always wanted to live in California and it has always been a dream of mine to go to school there at some point
4. I really think it will be an adventure and a good way to grow. I need to live my life more then just remaining in the same place.

As planned i will be in Santa Cruz the entire summer. If i love it and don't get too homesick from my family and friends, then i will stay. Though i may come back to Utah State. I do love it here and don't want to completely leave my friends and family. We'll just have to see.

Though i just can't believe how amazing everything is. Family, friends, guy, work, school. Everyone in my life is doing well. My grandma has miraculously gotten so much better. I love seeing her feeling well and happy again. I truly have never been so happy and i am really proud of what i am making of myself. I never thought i would be able to be a staff writer for my universities newspaper, though i am doing it and i continue to grow. I also was just really happy i got into school in California and am taking the risk and having my own little adventure to go out there. I feel a large sense of accomplishment and fulfillment and it is such a wonderful feeling. It's just all good things to update.

And here's to the start of sophomore year

It's still hard to believe i've already finished a year. I was helping freshman friends move into their dorms and it felt like yesterday that i was moving into the LLC. This year has already started off incredibly and i can't wait to see what the year has to hold. I LOVE my classes. I can tell it's going to be a lot of work though they are all so interesting so it will be wonderful. I also got hired on with the statesmen. I'm in a trial run right now though if all goes well then i will be kept on. I am so excited for it. Then i also have decided to go greek this year. I think it will be great and i do hope all goes well.

The end of this summer did not end on a high note. My second job had turned out to be a scam and i had close friends backstabbing me left and right. Also some money issues at the time even though they are resolved now. I was just so stressed and upset with everything that i really just wanted to shut down. Then someone i had feelings for just up and walked away without any explanation. It came to the point though that i wouldn't take people hurting me and if they do then they are out of my life. That is what i did with every single one of them. I really am happier because of it. If someone is like that then why should i have them in my life? There is no reason why i should. If you lose my trust, then you lose my friendship. Everything happened wonderfully though at the start of this school year. I look around at all my friends and i have never had so many friends and especially close ones. It apparently wasn't a loss to let friendships go. I feel so greatful to have a wonderful best friend too. Were just so much alike and i really can tell her anything. I don't feel like she's ever trying to be in competition in me too like some friends have been. She has been absolutely amazing. Also even within a week i have made several great friends and met some damn cute guys that i am actually close to now. Everything works out the way it should. I just had to tough it all out.

I'm sure this year will be great. I also can't wait to see my sister next month. I am losing my mind without her and Adam. There are so many things i'm excited for right now. Anyways that all i have to update. Peace!

Holding together

I feel like the main thing that describes everything right now is just stress and insecurity. I've been holding it together with work and going between PC and Logan each week and still seeing my grandma. Thank goodness some good things happened this week moneywise. Such as getting a grant for school and plus having loans. It has made it possible to pay for school, housing, plus to help with my credit card a lot. Yet waiting on paychecks is still nervewracking when you're completely broke. Some money never came through from working at PC plus i have no idea what's going on with my second job anymore. It has just made me so stressed out not knowing when i'll have money in to pay for the rest of my bills. Sometimes being an adult sucks. Even though it is great sometimes when there are little bills to be paid.

Though oh goodness there has just been a lot this week. When any type of drama hits with people it's at the same time. I'm the type of person that has a strong belief that everything happens for a reason. That being with relationships too. Yet i'm still insecure about it when it comes to it. I also know not everyone is compatible. Even with my major we learn that people find companions based on background and upbringing. Though aside from that i have times where i wonder why i wasn't good enough or i just feel like absolute shit about myself. Feelings sometimes just screw with your head like that and you don't think rationally. I honestly don't know sometimes though. I have my moments where i feel awful about myself. Thinking i'm not pretty enough and i also have body issues. There are times i feel like i am one gigantic tubbo. I also tend to get shy and not fully be myself around guys and i occasionally get intimidated. It leads me to then think that he just didn't want me for that too. I shouldn't feel this way but sadly i do a lot. Especially after the past year.

Anyways on a happier note i do absolutely love my job. I like what i do and there are times that i kick ass at it. I went through a patch this summer where i doubted myself but this week i have felt awesome. I love my managers from both locations and we always have fun, i have great coworkers, and plus i have the ability to work two locations. It has helped me a lot. I had a manager ask today if it was worth it moving back to Logan since i still work PC every week. It was a great decision and has worked out. I have met so many great people in Logan this summer. A couple have become my closest friends. It's nice being able to still work PC too and see everyone and of course have that money since i am not able to get so many hours at Cache Valley. It's also nice staying with my family and working but i still have the luxury to go back to my apartment. This summer worked out well and i really have been so happy. Anyways that's all i really have for tonight.

Of the many things i dislike at this moment

The list of things i really dislike right now. Possible with explanations to follow
-Ungodly debt
-Power struggles in my extended family
-Feeling like i can't do anything right sometimes
-My grandmother being sick
-The Cache Valley justice system
-Guys who can't make up their minds

Of all the things going on right now, i am actually quite happy. I'm stressed out of my mind but i'm managing. First off my debt is definitely a large contributor to my stress. Hell if i didn't have that then i wouldn't have to be going between two locations and getting another job. I don't mind going between locations, i just hate feeling like i'm a pain in the ass with my bosses. My debt isn't fron unnessicary purchases or anything, it's all from doctors, optical, or just getting food to get by. The biggest cause too is thanks to the Cache Valley justice system. I do believe the courts are great to have but sometimes i do believe they exercise their power just for the sake of doing it. Yeah i'm sorry i drank just a wee bit of alcoholic tea one night but it is really worth sacking me with over six hundred dollars of things to pay? NO. The sad thing is they said that my record was great and they could tell i was a good kid. Yet i still get all that. I can't even explain how much better things would be if i didn't have all that to pay. Having that even interferes with me trying to live and get my education. I'm supporting myself so i can have a roof over my head, food, my car to get to and from my jobs and seeing my family, and so i can pay for school. Am i able to put a dime towards school due to all of this? no. It just puts me in more debt. It just has me all sorts of pissed off. Then as i'm trying to work all my jobs to pay my enormous debt, i have my ailing grandmother who i'm trying to see. Does my extended family make it any easier? That answer would be a solid no. My father and my one aunt absolutely hate their sister that is my other aunt. This all just causes unneeded issues. I used to get my gas paid for with my grandmothers card to come down and see her. Now due to a power struggle, i only have access through my aunt and have to drive far out of my way to get it filled up. Not to say it's insanely offensive acting like i don't know how to handle such a thing and that i'll let it fall into the wrong hands. I also hate how my grandmother still to this day deals with them going back and forth about how terrible the other one is. Honestly, shut the fuck up and let them women have peace. That by no means helps her, it causes her to even get worse with that stress. I apologize for the language and that usually is not me to say that type of thing, but it's the only thing that can completely explain my feeling on that.

Then the guy thing. Not the biggest issue. It's annoying but i have bigger problems. My relationship didn't last long just because neither of us were ready. I just hate how guys go back and forth about wanting and not wanting. It's ridiculous. Well this blog was angry. It was needed. I do have a great day ahead of me tomorrow so it's time for bed. Peace.

Oh the days of learning

Without a doubt this summer has been amazing and it continues to be. I just am so stoked to go back to school. It's not for the social aspect either. That part is great and i love all the things that go on during the year but it's not the only thing i miss. I can't wait for classes to start up. I'm just the type of person where i do like working but i don't want to do it all the time. I love school and have to have that in my life. I still did well in classes last year but i definitely plan on applying myself more. As long as i study harder then i know i can ace it all this year. I love learning and even just studying. It's great to feel accomplished and gain more knowledge. I also just want to sit at my desk right now and do homework but i have nothing to do sadly. I feel like such a bum just working and then spending the rest of my days sleeping and such. I do go to Salt Lake a lot to help my grandma but i still need something to make me feel more accomplished. I'm excited to be able to go cozy up in the library again and study with my coffee. I love it. People probably think i'm weird for this but it's just what i like. Especially since my mindset has changed it will help me to do better since i'm so much happier then i've ever been. Even though i've always loved school, i'd get overwhelmed easily or depressed and i'd stop applying myself as much. I would have kicked ass in high school if i would have done that. Though the past is the past and i can just change the future. All i know is everything happens for a reason. I continue to think that with school, relationships, and everything else in my life. It has helped me so much realizing that. Instead of just trying to change or dwell on everything, i just let it play out. It's my philosophy and it has done me well. Well it's time for bed. I just wanted to write a bit!

(In)sanity

I'm definitely still sane even if there are times i feel as though i'm going to lose my mind. Life is great it's just very busy and continually getting busier. Right now i'm just working my one job even though i am working at Park City and Cache. Then i am making constant trips down to Salt Lake to be with my grandma. I absolutely love seeing her but it's just stressful since she has a hard time hearing and she gets confused so that makes it hard when i spend time with her. Then when i'm in Salt Lake i'm always seeing friends, family, or my boyfriend. Yes, i did just say the B word. This is the first i've said anything about it outside my family and close friends. Since we just officially got together a few days ago, we decided to wait a bit before coming out with it on facebook. He lives in Orem and of course i'm in Logan so we need to see how it works with the distance before we come out publicly on facebook and all that jazz. Then i just got on a second job. It's such a relief so i can finally pay off some bills and hopefully get money into savings. I'm pretty good with what i have coming in right now but it's still not enough. I do eat out a little too much though and i still shop a wee bit. The most i'll spend in one trip is like fifteen dollars but that's still money that could go towards paying off bills i have. Though i feel like it's okay to treat myself sometimes. I feel like i shouldn't just work hard without getting stuff to make me happy sometimes. Given it doesn't break the bank.

It's still stressful trying to figure out how i'll balance school, two jobs, getting to Salt Lake to care for my grandma, having my long distance relationship, and still seeing friends and family. It's going to be difficult but i may have figured it out. Everything is crazy and just going to get crazier but i love life right now. Hopefully everything works out well. Well that's all i have. Everyone have a great week!

Life is good. :)

So my last blog definitely wasn't the happiest but things have definitely shaped up since then. I was very tired of some people and guys in particular that can't stand to just be friends with a girl. Guys have no right to be assholes if you don't want anything romantic with them or even sexual. I'm happy to say that i finally had a guy come into my life that is amazing and nothing like that. It's funny he entered my life the night before i got in a fight with a guy friend over this reason and we stopped being friends. I do feel as if people walk into your life and others leave. It's great to know guys do exist still that are sweet and will constantly tell you you're beautiful and that you're great, hold doors open and pay like a man should sometimes, and even just not push having sex. I've never had a guy do all of those things and i have to say i love having it. Every girl deserves that and then the good guys deserve girls that wont throw them under the bus and use them. Finally having a great guy come into my life has made me really happy.

Then figuring out money situations made things better. Then i'm so greatful that i have been able to spend so much time with my grandma and help her out. I also continue to make wonderful friends up here. Things are just good. My job is also wonderful. I love being able to go back and forth between PC and Cache and i have met so many great people through work this summer. I have like a great big work family and i love it. They are all amazing. :). I'm just enjoying every little bit of summer too. It has been a great summer so far. I am excited to go back to school though since i miss having classes and learning.

Also i apparently have to make a shout out to Nicole Lacount in this. Yo and i will see you wednesday. :). ha. Alright time to sleep. <3 you all!

Things i have decided of my lack of giving a shit

1. I shall not put up with stupid boys.
I find it funny when boys play the whole hot and cold game. One minute they are all over you and then the next they don't answer your texts. You know it kind of sucks when you have a guy all over you and then he's not there but i've come to the point i don't care. I don't need a guy and i'm not going to chase after him once he goes all cold. If they do that then it's so not worth it. Plus once you don't and then they come back expecting to get something once they're back, it's not going to happen. Then they just screwed stuff up with me. I started out this summer with not having really any guys. Then I move back to Logan and a couple guys come back into my life, i meet a couple others, and then the other was already in my life but he was wanting something. I had decided i only wanted one of these guys. Now some are in the cold part of the game. Which a couple just happened right before i decided i wanted just one. Then some are in a huff and are ridiculous. It's sad that with both of these cases guys can't even be friends. . Then it goes to the one i want and if i can't figure him out, then i will give up. Since i will not wait around for any guy who can't figure shit out nor will i put up with a stupid boy. Not saying that he is but if it turns to that, i'm out.

2. I shall not put up with any dramatics
You know i'm not a person that likes drama. Which i never have it in my life and i don't put up with it. Yeah the past year i did have quite the guy drama and stuff that happened to my family but otherwise it was non existent. But now because of how i feel of what i put on the above insert, i don't let it bother me so it's not a drama. Though when people are pissy over stupid things or they send ridiculous dramatic texts, i decide not to give a shit. It wont make me react and chase after you, it just pushes me away more and lessens the chances of us being friends again if you do stop said dramatics. Therefore it is not a good idea.

3. There shall always be communication or therefore i will not give a shit
Once again, if something is wrong then talk to me. Don't act pissy or go into the dramatics. I like to hear the person out and fix the problem, not go through the game of babying a person to then figure it out.

I'm tired of people doing such things so i thought this should be realized that if you do these things, it will turn into my lack of giving a shit. As to why that is the blog title. Well farewell everyone. Have a great weekend. :)

Loss

This definitely isn't going to be a happy blog like the last few. A lot is happening and my heart just really hurts right now. Within fourty eight hours my cousin passed away tragically and it was told to me that i don't have a lot of time left with my grandmother. My cousins passing is sickening and sad despite not being close to him. That being because a lot of my extended family lives in Alaska and i only see them for family reunions. On the other hand i'm very close with my grandma. I know i mentioned in a past blog just how close i am to her. I really don't know how to handle it. I'm now planning on driving down to Salt Lake a couple times a week so i can her. Even more if i can. Honestly i don't know if i'll be getting a second job because of it. I'm not completely sure yet. I'm just hurting a lot right now and need the people i love more then ever to be there for me. Yet i don't feel like i really have anyone except for a couple people. It's sad i don't even feel like i have my close friends there. Anyways that's all i really want to update for now.

Relationship complications

Well honestly, it's not really relationship complications when there is no relationship. You know how i said over a month ago that i didn't want a guy? Well i still don't really unless it's someone that truly means a lot to me but yeah it apparently only lasted until i got to Logan. As much as i have my days where i don't feel good enough, i do realize that that isn't exactly the case. I feel like this everytime a guy walks away, yet i avoid having a relationship like the plague. Every guy i have i just look at everything and don't want it, i like meeting different guys and seeing all the types there are out in the world. Then it just happens that i realize when i figure out that it's just about having that certain person that makes me want to go all in. I'm a really confusing person if you can't tell and as i've been told recently. For once there is a guy that i wouldnt mind this happening with. Though i've become the type of person where i will just let everything play out. If that were to be the case then great, but if not then it's not meant to be. I just don't want to be the girl where the guy just wants to hook up. I'm not that girl. I'm fine with being alone. I want a guy who will actually say he misses me or will start off a conversation with hey beautiful. One who wants to just lay there and watch a movie with me instead of pushing something else all the time. As i've discovered recently though, all of this only matter to me if it's someone i have feelings for. With out it is definitely sweet, but i still can't force myself to feel anything based on that. But damn for a guy i have feelings for, that would make me melt. Honestly what happened to sweet gestures or surprises? I'd like to know.

At nineteen years old, it isn't the greatest guy pool either. Guys are either on their missions (which wouldn't exactly be for me either) or they just want to hook up. I feel like guys would probably do better with girls if they would actually be a friend and want to hang out and do something aside from getting her pants. This is just stuff i've realized a lot lately. I only have feelings for one person right now and as i wait for that person to get back, i'm staying single. I'm sure as hell content with friends and work and i don't need a guy to define my summer. Honestly i'm pretty over meaningless things with guys. I'm fine with being alone sometimes and not needing a guy to make me happy. Anyways that was kind of a needed rant for me. It's bedtime now. Peace everyone.

Amazing :)

Honestly can life get any better right now? Hardly. Everything is just wonderful and so surreal. I'm definitely still looking for a second job which would just make things even better. I did feel like today was the day i would finally get a call on a job or something would happen. It was in fact the day and i have two interviews this week. :). I'll see what pans out. Moving up here for the summer was the best decision i could have made. I'm so happy and everything just turned out so well. I love where i live, i have amazing roommates who i'm so close with, and i have met many great people up here. I also got a promotion at my job. It definitely helped secure my hours. Then i had a person come back in my life recently who i missed a lot. Everything just turned out so well and i'm the happiest i have ever been.

There are also so many fun things planned for the summer. Bear lake, many concerts, and possible trips. I'm so excited for this summer. It's well on it's way to being the summer of my life. The only downside right now is i'm feeling distant from a few people who i was once very close to. It's sad when one is a member of my family and then a couple close friends. It's not always distance that tears people apart. I wish this would all change but there are just too many great things in my life right now and i refuse to let anything bother me.

I figured i'd update but i'll write more later when i'm in a writing mood. It's my day off tomorrow so i plan on sleeping a ridiculous amount. It's time to start that. Everyone have a great week!

growing up and moving on.

So for once in a long time i'm single. For people that know me they know that i always have someone i have something with. I don't ever feel like i need to be with someone or i haven't ever just wanted to be single. I just let it happen. If i ever didn't have someone i was fine and if i did then i was too. I've never just had the point though where i don't want anything. I can tell i've hurt a couple people since i wasn't sure at first and then shot it down. It's not just the fact of being alone that i don't have to deal with guy drama or heartbreak. It's definitely a plus but i'm so focused right now and happy and i don't need anything else. I'm content for now right where i am in life. Yet it's starting to make me out to be the bad guy since i'm hurting people by not wanting anything. It's bad when i think of just going along with it not to hurt someone because i know how it feels, but it's not doing what i want for myself. I hate that it does hurt other people but i need to do what's best for me.

Between work, family, and just outside activities things are just good. I absolutely love my job. Then family is crazy and hectic but still i love them. I move back to Logan on the first and my sister moves to San Francisco the next day. Between everyones moves the past few months and that are about to occur, there is a lot of change for my family right now. It is sad to see that we will all be far away from eachother. I'll still be able to visit every month but it's sad that my brother now is the only kid around and here my mom used to have all here kids nearby and now were all leaving. Even if i may not be the biggest fan of my sister right now i know i'll eventually come to the point again that i'll hate having her so far away. Plus we wont be able to see my grandma and help her as much which hurts me a lot. Even since i've been home i've barely seen her since i can't even afford the trips to salt lake. I know that once i get a second job and friends up there that i'll be coming home less and less. Once we grow up we move on more and more. Not from people in our lives but just because of work and being on our own and finding ourselves. Aside from my job, my family, and a couple friends, Park City doesn't hold anything else for me to want to be here. It's beautiful and i'll always have great memories of it, but i have never liked the people her and i just want to be on my own and be in different places. I'll most likely finish school in Logan but after that i know i will find my place somewhere else. Most likely out of Utah. I've spent all but one year of my life here. I do want to get out of this bubble no matter how beautiful it is.

This has gotten long but i'm just glad i can find happiness out of the simplest things lately. Even just reading a book or a magazine, drinking a cup of coffee and watching the rain fall, or going for a run and just being able to breathe and think. With being busy it's just good meditation to do these things. Anyways i shall stop writing for now. Have a great weekend everyone.

I figured it may be time for an update. There is only a week and a half until i move. In some ways i am very excited but there are some things that are somewhat sad about it. No matter which location i'm at i absolutely love it, but it is sad that i am leaving pc after only a few weeks. I'd rather be missed then have people wanting me to leave. My manager did tell me today he was going to infest my apartment with termites so i can't leave. Oh they all make me giggle. It does sound like i may be able to work mainly at Cache Valley but still work sometimes at pc if they need it. I'm glad i can still work both locations and see everyone and get more hours then just being at Cache. I know they will be going down a lot when i move since it's lower volume. I'm still on my second job hunt. I dearly hope i find one soon since it's really stressful not knowing how i'll be able to make everything. Though things usually work out so i'm just hoping for that.

Work is mainly my life right now. I'm actually fine with it. I've reached a point where i just want to be single too. It's never happened to where i just really don't want anything. Right now i also just want to focus on work and doing what i love. Since the summer started i haven't really gotten the chance to go on runs or write or just read a book. Plus it's almost pool weather. Well maybe mother nature will finally be nice and give us some. All of that has gotten me so excited for summer. Screw summer romances, just give me the pool and sun! :). Anyways i have other stuff i want to do right now. I shall write later.

The way things change

This has been decided for a few days but i had to wait for all of my managers to know before i actually said it publicly. Though i will be moving back to Logan on June 1st. On Monday night i was thinking and it came into my mind. I realized it may actually be possible to go back and live on my own. On Tuesday i had all the money figured out, my parents support, i found an apartment, and had my job transferred back. I finally feel like this summer isn't just going to be long days of work without being happy. I love my job but i just need more then that. I have just a few friends here and my family. My sister is moving to San Francisco in less then two weeks. It definitely wont be easy since i'll be paying rent, food, gas, and other bills i have all on my own. Meaning i am on one serious hunt for a second job. Though i am really excited to be back on my own and being fully self supportive. It is a bonus to have some friends up there this summer too. Plus i can still come home and see my family and friends. It just works out. I have been back at PC aero which has been great. I was worried i wouldn't like it as much since it would be different from last summer and there are so many high schoolers there. But i absolutely love it. My managers are nutty and awesome and i love my coworkers. It will definitely be sad to leave there again but i am going back to other wonderful managers and coworkers.

I'm just so glad to be happy again and to have something to look forward to that isn't months away. It makes my time here so much more enjoyable. I really want to do just a class this summer. I don't know if it will be possible financially though. I will just have to see. Anyways that's all i have to update for now. I need to get to sleep since it is going to be a very long day tomorrow. Have a great weekend everyone. <3

Seriously it's summer?

I just can't believe this year is done. Even packing and moving didn't make me realize it. I feel like were just going on break. But i just keep reminding myself that we are in fact done. Right now it's hard for me since i wont ever be back at the LLC with the same people and it's just done. I know i'll eventually realize that it's a positive thing and were just growing up and going to experience even better things. I just hope i'm not a work hermit this summer since i do really want to see all my friends. Especially USU ones since i know i will dearly miss them. I always love summer since it's about being with friends and having those summer romances and just having so much fun. It bothers me that many friends are spread out throughout the western states and well any guys i start to like just become too difficult. I'm not planning on the summer romance this summer but who knows. I've had it the past few summers. I love it. A couple have even lasted into the year. Plus with the year ending, it's just sad when you have a couple close friends from school who don't actually live far away. You mention hanging out and it's just kind of blown off. I guess my feelings are just kind of hurt right now. Makes me feel like i'm just a friend at the time when they need something.

I'm a mix of emotions now though so in the morning i may not have any of these feelings. After saying goodbye to people today and moving and then going to the memorial. Plus being exhausted after finals. It's just exhausting in many ways so i may just be in a weird state right now. I don't feel like my normal happy self but of course it hasn't been the easiest week for me and many other people. I am going to Zions for the weekend with my family. It should hopefully put me back in a better state. :). Though here is to a good summer! Not just for me but everyone reading this. It is time to sleep since i have to be up early tomorrow. Everyone have a great weekend!

In memory of Chris Maddux

I know for many people reading this, they know exactly who this man is. Yet i know some people reading this are not from PC so they don't know him. This man was a teacher at my high school and i had TV live production with him. I have had teachers pass before and of course it's sad to know anyone that has passed, but i've never had a passing of a non family member take effect on me so much as this has. For many of us, we had atleast that one teacher who inspired us and greatly changed our lives. It was until senior year that i would have 3 teachers like that and he was one of them. There was a different change on my life from each of them. I came into his class last year thinking i would just be a fun class to take. I loved journalism and film from there but was intimidated and never thought that i could do it. He always told me that it would be a wonderful thing for me and that i really should pursue it. If it weren't for his class and the constant encouragement, i wouldn't have gone into journalism. Aside from how he inspired many students, he was such a wonderful man. I've seen him be there for many students in times of need and he was also for myself. He was so sweet to me when my grandma died and didn't just send me off, but he sat there and talked to me about it. He always tried to make people feel better and he was just the one teacher whose class you would always look forward to. Even though i graduated last year, he has always been one of the three teachers i always visit. Everytime i would come in he would talk to me about how my life was and school. He always would give me a hug and tell me he's so proud to see me doing so well and following my heart. The last time i saw him was a month and a half ago and he told me he was looking forward to the next time i come in. We discussed all this and how his son who is also a friend of mine, is about to go off to college. He told me that he wishes so much how he could send him anywhere he wanted to, but it's not possible since both his parents are teachers. Anyone knows he was so selfless in how he cared for his family. Everyday we would watch him stop class to kiss and hug his kids goodbye. It's amazing to see a man who just finds so much love and happiness in their families and in being a mentor to students. There were people who would just see him around or the ones who have a future due to how he helped them. For a very long time it's going to leave a very empty feeling for anyone who walks into the TV media room knowing that he will no longer be there. There was always such a good spirit in that room due to how he made it. I felt that i needed to write this to help how this is hard for me. It's better to remember the great of a person that constantly thinking of how they're gone. I know for many people he inspired and mentored that this is hard and that i'm definitely one of many who is affected by this. I'm just glad that he is no longer in pain and hopefully one day his family will be okay through all of this.

Final time

It's still completely blowing my mind that were almost done. I can't even believe how fast this semester once. I know it's going to be kind of hard going home for almost for months after being on my own but i think it will go fast and still be great. I'm just hoping to make some friends in salt lake. I have my few good friends in PC but otherwise there wont be many people to chill with this summer aside from them and my close friends from Orem. I'm kind of bummed out for school to be ending but i'd rather the year be ending on a high note. This year has absolutely been the best year of my life. There will definitely hard things but the good completely counteracted that. I have learned so much this year and i feel as if life is just going to keep getting better. This really is the time of our lives. Which is why the song Time of our Lives by Tyrone Wells just completely exemplifies how great this year was and how much this time in our lives means. I do have to put some of my favorite moments from this year. Not nessicarily in any particular order.

1. The 80's dance.
2. Barcelona concert.
3. The weekend of September 11-13th.
4. The elections dance.
5. The howl.
6. Little America stay.
7. New Years Eve
8. Gateway and Noodles
9. The random drives to Idaho that occured
10. The last weekend of the year

A few people that are part of these memories i no longer talk to. But they still are amazing and i'm still glad they happened. But those are it! For anyone that came into my life this year, i'm so glad to have had you in my life this year. Along with my close friends that have always been in my life. Anyways i do have to get to bed for finals tomorrow. I'd put the Tyrone wells video on this, but i can't find the link. So this it it. I shall write later! :)

Almost to the end

Lately i have just been really sad that this year is coming to an end. Though this week i finally just realized i am really excited to be home. Without a doubt i'm going to miss a lot of people. Some that i know i will probably not see again. I definitely want to be with my family for a while. I only have a month left until my sister moves so i definitely want to be with her. I will be working two jobs this summer and volunteering at the hospital. Then of course spending way too many hours at the pool as i tend to do. I'm excited for those summer nights and being back with everyone for a while. I know next year will be great too. I just need to move on to a new chapter. I have still been very happy lately but i know there are just a couple things i've started to struggle with again. I've gone through a couple hard breakups this year and then some bad guys that came into my life. Then a couple other i liked who just didn't like me back. It had just caused me to feel like i'm not good enough. But maybe it just all happens for a reason. You're meant to go through some good and bad guys and have heartbreaks before you find that good person for you. It's still hard for me to figure out but it does still hurt sometimes. I'm tired of feeling like that. Then when you're sitting next to someone and realize that maybe your feelings didn't go away after all. It leads to a whole lot of complicated. I just need to figure out all of this so it will all stop hurting me.

Otherwise everything is good and i can't wait to go home this weekend since it has been a month. I did go to Salt Lake this weekend for my grandmas 91st birthday.

I love this woman so much. I just hate thinking that she may not be around much longer. She has been such a strong influence on my life and i have so many great memories with her. I'm so greatful to have been blessed with wonderful grandparents. <3

That's all i have for today. I need to finish getting my stuff ready for registration.

living and love to the highest point

Before i die, i want to fall in love. I want to get what i dream. It scares me that may never happen. I may die unexpectedly in five years or it could be when i'm 80. One of the things i dearly want to happen before then is to fall in love. Beautiful undeniable love that will not falter. Someone that finds a happiness in being with me. At this point in my life, i just want a good guy. One that wants to be friends and wants something more then just sex. One that wont walk away if he does or doesn't get that. As of lately, i just feel like that piece of ass. I don't feel worth anything due to how i've been treated. I'm so tired of guys walking away and ones that if they try and be friends with me that their ultimatum is sex. I'm sure as hell not going to be that girl. I'm now not blind to how guys are at this age and now i'm just worried that they will all be like that. I just want one to prove me wrong. I'll just have to see. I dearly do not know.

I may want to fall in love one day, but my dreams are what come first. I want to graduate and become an FBI profiler that assists as the communications laison. I want to be able to help and make a difference in peoples lives. I believe that i can achieve this and i will do everything in my power to do so. Many people in my life have an idea that this is what i want to do. I don't think anyone truly knows how passionate i am about this. Anyways as much as i would love to stay up and write. It's two am and to achieve my dreams i do need to attend my classes. Goodnight.

A month left

I realized it has been a while since posting. I just have to say that everything is amazing right now. I have never been so happy and upbeat then the past month. Things are great and my mindset is great. It was really hard for a while but i came through and i'm better then i have ever been. I have exactly a month left from today until freshman year is done. Most people are ready for it to be over and i am sad for it to end. It was definitely hard at the beginning and i couldn't wait to go home, but now i'm adjusted and it's incredible. I'm so glad i stayed.

Once again i do have to post that i am just so damn happy to be somewhat single. People keep talking about marriage and i'm just like WHAAAAT!? I was asked by a friend yesterday if i would get married in a year if prince charming walked into my life today and was everything i want. I honestly wouldn't. I have way too much i want to do with my life right now and i will be doing so for many more years. MANY. Even though i wouldn't mind finding one guy who actually cares about me. Maybe that will happen but who knows. I'm just so glad i'm strong now not to go back to guys that are just really not good. I just had a situation last week and instead of putting my feelings first, i used my brain and i'm not going to get hurt again by douchebags. Not to mention i wont lose my self respect. I just had to point that all out since i'm quite proud of it right now.

Well i hope this last month has many wonderful things in store. Hopefully many more wonderful memories too. That's all i have for tonight. <3

Life is not supposed to be easy

The past month has been really hard for my family. My family is stronger then ever through what has happened lately. I wish it were different but it's not so we all have to make the best of it. My family moved today to a difference place in Park City. It's hard considering none of us wanted to make this move. Though as my mom has said "home is wherever you have your family." It's exactly true. I loved our home and i will sure as hell miss it but i know my family can be happy anywhere as long as were together. My grandma has also been getting worse with her health lately. Earlier this week it wasn't looking good, but the past couple days it looks as though she's doing better. I've been down there almost everyday to be with her and it makes me feel so good to bring her food she loves and different treats. My grandma is almost 91 years old and i need to come to terms with the fact of how she's not going to be around forever.

As much as i post a lot about bad things that happen, i'm still happy with my life. As my sister and i were talking about yesterday, a lot has happened this year so far and we've had to learn and grow a lot, yet there are still so many great things in our life. I've still managed to be happy lately and stay positive. I have my family, school, work, and a roof over my head. Plus so many other great things. I got my full grant which helped me so much this year and i can't even explain how greatful i am for that. I still am very lucky. Anyways i have to be up in eight hours to move more stuff. It's bedtime.

There have been many things that have happened the past week. Some of it i really don't know what to make of. I'm just glad that above all things and no matter what is happening, i have my family. On Monday a childhood friend passed away. I mentioned him recently in one of my blogs. It was a sad thing to see for my family but it put a lot in perspective for us. It's hard for us that we will be moving from our home in the next couple weeks, but it's not like we lost one of our loved ones. I know that we will all pull through. Were a very strong family. I layed in bed last night and it made me cry knowing this is the last time i'd be there. There are many amazing memories there. But no matter what as long as were all together that will still always happen.

It has been sad to know my sister is moving in May despite being very happy for her. Now that there is a high chance of the rest of my family moving out of state. I wont go much into that since that's in the process and i shouldn't go into their business. Though right now seeing that that very well may happen, i'm not exactly sure what to do from here. It's left me with a lot of decisions i may have to make. I will go into this further once it is appropriate and if there for sure will be any decisions i have to make. It's just a hard topic on my mind right now seeing that it could possibly happen. There is a lot going on right now but i know we will be fine.

All this past year has taught me is to be positive and to not make situations worse then they need to be. Life can be hard but there are always ways to get through it. I've realized lately that my family is the main thing i have to rely on right now. I don't want friends that only care about getting high or are just uncaring from anything but themselves. At this moment i can name three friends that would still be there in a heartbeat and are just so great to be around. Two of them have for many years. Anyways i should probably go to sleep for class tomorrow. Everyone have a wonderful week.

Certain things i don't understand

I'm in my second semester of college and i just barely turned 19. As of lately there has been a spike in engagements and marriages of people around me. Not just anyone though, they're all my age. In my personal view and in the way i was brought up, i just can't understand people getting married so young. It's just something i couldn't imagine doing at this age. I am independent and know how to take care of myself but in ways i still feel like a kid. Hell I am still somewhat a kid and have a lot more to learn and live before commiting my life to someone else. All power to people but that's just how i feel on the subject. I also know my parents would rather murder me then for me to get married before 25. I don't even think they want me to that early. Anyways that's my rant on that. It was needed.

I don't know if anyone is actually disappointed that i haven't written lately. I feel like i start writing and then i end up having to leave it and i never go back to finishing it and posting it. A simple overview of things: Second semester has been good so far and i'm really liking it. I mainly work, go to class, and i feel like figuring out my love life has become a full time job. After having an ex i was with for a very long time try and get me back, a new guy who apparently led me on and walked away, a guy i've been dating since school started who now feels the need to hide us from his roommates, and then realizing none of this takes away who i truly have feelings for. We are three weeks into the year, I think this is enough for a while. I need time for myself and that's damn well what i'm doing. I am on my men hiatus. Honestly is it that hard to find a guy that wants to treat me right, cares for me, wants more then sex, and maybe wants to send me flowers at certain times. I feel like it's not much to want but hey it will happen when it happens. For now I just need to step off for a bit and focus on other things. That rant was a lot longer then intended.

Anyways for the most part things have been pretty good. Aside from a couple bad things that have recently happened to my family I feel like were pulling through. Somehow everything will be okay. But we will still just have to see. Anyways that's my update and my rants of things i don't understand. I hope it was somewhat enjoyable.

Finally a post and in the new year

I stil can't believe it's 2011. It was definitely interesting ringing in the new year with friends i went to jr high with. Crazy how time flies. It has been a really good break so far. I have spent a lot of time with my family and my grandma who just moved back. Along with working and seeing friends. It has been great being home, but i have started to miss school so much. I've realized how much i enjoy being independent and living on my own. I also am not working much this week due to it being slow. Between school and work, i'm not used to having a lot of free time. I am so ADD when i try and sit down and watch tv here. It's not that exciting. I'm also just so excited for my second semester classes too. I have a lot of fun plans for this week, but it definitely will be nice to get back to school.

I'm in such a different part of my life then i was last year. Plus so much happened in 2010 and my life changed so much. Now i'm just contemplating how i can make this year the best possible. I'm doing my best not to look back on certain bad things from last year. I'm human and there are things that i still think about a lot and i still have a hard time dealing with. It's not something i can let go of that easily. I don't feel that it's right that i should have been criticized by somebody for a time in my life that i was hurting and at the time i really didn't know how to handle it. There are things in life where you can't always just get up and go about your day as if it's completely normal. Things happen and you have to cope with it as you can. I hope this makes sense. All i know is that i am still growing up, and i can't just be told to move on and expected to. I will learn for myself and grow stronger as i can.

Anyways there has just been many things i've contemplated lately along with certain people in my life. It's definitely hard to let go of people that are good to you and mean a lot to you, but i know that to move on and grow, it might be best to let go. I think if i stop continually thinking about everything though, it will work out how it's supposed to. I turn 19 in a couple weeks and i want to make this the best year yet. I'm hoping many wonderful things will come out of it. I also just got my FAFSA done and i'm waiting to hear if i do get any grants. It said i am elgible so i really hope i do. It would make everything so much easier. Well that's all i really have to say. Have a great week everyone. :)