Impact

It's amazing how one day can change so much in your life.

During this week, I went from ending a relationship and being completely fine to then just feeling absolutely heartbroken. I realized to the extent of how many people I've pushed away the past few months and it was awful that I didn't really have anyone to be with and take my mind off of things. All of my summer plans faded away with my relationship and I felt so incredibly lost of where I'd live or even how I'd spend my summer. Then it came to the end of the week where apparently another ex boyfriend and his 21 year old friends decided to spend a night out of nowhere harassing me and then of course I ran into them that night. It's definitely really awesome when I feel lonely and worthless and then I have people that contribute to that feeling. None of us are even huge issues but somehow it really impacted me and tore me apart. It's when I feel alone and don't see bright things ahead that it badly hits my depression and wacks out my thinking.

Anyways onto the bright side of this story. I woke up yesterday to a text from a close friend who I've been distant from lately. It immediately went into how she felt bad about this distance with us and ask what was wrong. I got to spill everything and talk about life and pulling ourselves out of times like this. It honestly helped immensely not only having a friend, but someone I didn't think I had as one anymore.

This lead into a thought process and a long conversation with my sister and it finally made me realize where exactly I need to be this summer and what I need to do to feel better and get everything together.

Then I got to hear from someone else who was a best friend and I dearly missed. It honestly meant a lot hearing I was missed and loved when I no longer though I was.

I then got asked to dinner by another lovely friend and got to enjoy the company of some other great people also.

And after getting home and about killing my roommates friend with a champagne cork and then hot tubbing, I reconnected with yet another friend and ex and got to go chat with him and just have a good hangout.

My whole point to this story is that all of these interactions and having these people come back in my life, along with the realizations that I had, it really changed a lot for me. It changed my feelings immensely and it honestly kind of saved me in a way. This all may sound stupid to people, but it's amazing how each of these little things helped me so much during a bad time.

Anyways that's my story. Don't ever underestimate the impact you may have on someone and how much you can change something for them.

Much love everyone

It's been a while

I don't even know when the last time was that I blogged. Overall I've been doing wonderful the past six months. I decided to take a semester off school. Between issues with money and just overall built up stress, I wasn't letting myself do as well as I should have done. I think it was a great decision since I really have regrouped and figured out so much in this short time. Once the going got rough, I let myself shut down and then continuously let it happen. I'm just so glad I finally feel back to a good point in my life. Most people know I struggle with depression and sometimes it gets to a really awful point. I learned a lesson this week just how important it is that even when I have been doing well for a long time, I need to keep on that. For some reason when something bad happens, I get into such a warped mind set and then I also forget my medication which spirals me way too far down.

I only want people to know this because it happened for a few days of this past week and I was an entirely different person and I was honestly batshit. I couldn't hold myself together, which normally, I cry on very rare circumstance. I learned a lot that yes that medication does make me insanely better, but when not used properly it will make my mindset so much worse. I'm glad I got back on track fast or I would have done something really bad when normally it's not something I would have ever wanted.

Anyways that was just something I needed to get across. Maybe people will understand to some extent to why I was so drastically different. Though honestly, my life is fantastic right now. I've never been so close to my family, I have a great boyfriend, and there's so much going for me. I am also so grateful for my job and how much i love it and everyone i work with. I also do have many wonderful friends in my life. Even if It feels distant right now, I do have many great ones.

I have been thinking about making a move to St George for school. Just with everything that happened with school and we all know I love new adventures, I thought it may be great. Plus it's quite a great price to go to school there. As much as I very much want to, I now have another person to think about leaving. Along with how I don't know if I would want to leave my job here.

Anyways that's some sort of an update and me wanting to explain some stuff. Much love to everyone!

Every girl deserves a guy that will think the world of them. That can treat her will respect and not make excuses to her or give her the run around.

What kind of man does it make you if you only text her when you want to get laid and wont reply when she texts you. It does not make you a good guy to start off being so wonderful to make her fall in love with you and then revert to awful ways. If she thinks the world of you and treats you well, then if you can't do the same especially when you've been with the person for a long time, then you're not a respectable guy.

I deserve a man that cares about my well being and can be there for me. I don't need a man who treats me like I'm there for their convenience. I have a heart and I love and I don't deserve to have that stomped on to fill selfish wants and needs.

Love

Ever since my car accident, I've been a mess of a person. For months I would sleep all day to avoid everything and it was the worst depression I've experienced. Im glad I had the strength to come through it and the amazing best friends to help me. Also my family of course even if I didn't have them around all the time and they weren't fully knowing of how bad it was.

This is the first time since then that I feel truly happy and see bright things ahead. Occasionally I'd get happy but i would stress and wouldn't think things would ever fully be great.

I finally got a wonderful job that I will now have for fall. My babysitting job is great but it will end come fall and I do need even more income to pay off debt and for rent and everything this fall. I have a true group of friends that are incredible people. Then an absolutely amazing family. Even if it's not perfect right now with every single person, I won't be devastated since it will work itself out. Along with all that I have finally found strength to not be hurt by not having the person I've wanted for so long. I feel as if I can move on which is an amazing feeling. Also to add my health is finally wonderful again. It just took six months of treatment but I am feeling great. No more daily migraines, back issues, or nausea! :)

I finally feel whole and I love my life. I don't need someone else to make me happy which I've struggled with in the past. I'm excited for the road ahead and starting my new job. No more sitting around and being sad, time to fully live life again. :)

Strength

I feel like I only write on this during hard times but that's when I really have the inspiration to sit and write. I've said before when it was the toughest time of my life and it happens again. My strength has been tested immensely and I almost came to not being able to make it through last week. It was ironic when I had said that things couldn't get worse and oh did they. My strength, faith, and beliefs were very much tested. I couldn't figure out why god would make me want to give up. I can't say I'm completely better but I feel like it was to make me stronger. I feel the strongest I have ever been right now.

I'm still waiting for things to get better. I won't disclose any of the big things that happened last week since honestly they aren't things I want to tell people and I don't want to relive them. It's not anything I did, they're just screwed up things. I do just hope I can get a job soon and I'm in the process of moving on from someone who I know I've had very strong feelings for for a long time. Right now I just want to work, have school, and be alone and find myself. I've realized that as much as there is only one man I want to be with, I don't want to right now and I don't want to be with someone else. I just want to keep busy and find happiness again. I need to be confident again and hopefully see that I am good enough. Once guys continually walk away or you get turned down for a job to people much younger, it really hurts.

I fully believe being positive will bring about great things and I think this could be an amazing summer. I'll be writing more often. This will help me too. I think it helps too to not keep everything bottled up. If I keep my depression from people and they can't understand it, then well it's not going to be a good thing. That's all I have. I do have to say that without my parents, siblings, and best friends, I honestly don't think I'd be here right now. I don't think they know just his much they have helped me and I'm so grateful for that.

All the times i've tried that became so har

It's been a while since i posted and most of which were utterly depressing so i figured i'd explain all that and update.

A lot of people who hang around me have sensed something has been wrong with me the past few months. Only a few who finally came to know about what was going on. These past few months have been some of the hardest of my life and i'm just glad i have come out of it. I'm not going to hide all of it from everyone because that's what lead to my downfall. It may be personal but it's something i need to be open about.

I have been severely depressed over this time. People have to realize that people who have depression can get like that for no reason. I've heard people say that people who are sometimes have no reason to be. It's something that is so hard to get out of and unless you reach out for help, it's nearly impossible to come out of. Then little bad things that happen are so much worse when someone is depressed. After I got sick early in the semester and had my car accident, i had started to get behind in classes. This just led to me getting really stressed and feeling like a failure. Then just small things happening with people in my life and my job and I immediately spiraled down. I got to the point where i would sleep until four in the afternoon to avoid getting up and going out and I didn't enjoy it when i went anywhere with people. I didn't see what good there was in anything anymore and I no longer thought i was capable of doing well in anything. I let it get really bad for a month and finally i realized i needed to get help. And ya know when people tell my parents that i am being a "rollercoaster" it didn't exactly help how i felt. So thanks for being assholes when you didn't know what was going on.

It's been about a week since i've started feeling better due to better medication and since some people finally understood why i was the way i was. I finally just feel happy and find enjoyment in things. I did somehow make it through my classes. They aren't amazing but I know it can't be changed. I'm so excited that i have the break to see my family and hang out with people and go to Colorado. Then i'll come back to a new semester and a fresh start. I still have all this sickness going on but i'm hoping it will all get figured out soon. I just know that everything is going to be okay.