I feel like the main thing that describes everything right now is just stress and insecurity. I've been holding it together with work and going between PC and Logan each week and still seeing my grandma. Thank goodness some good things happened this week moneywise. Such as getting a grant for school and plus having loans. It has made it possible to pay for school, housing, plus to help with my credit card a lot. Yet waiting on paychecks is still nervewracking when you're completely broke. Some money never came through from working at PC plus i have no idea what's going on with my second job anymore. It has just made me so stressed out not knowing when i'll have money in to pay for the rest of my bills. Sometimes being an adult sucks. Even though it is great sometimes when there are little bills to be paid.
Though oh goodness there has just been a lot this week. When any type of drama hits with people it's at the same time. I'm the type of person that has a strong belief that everything happens for a reason. That being with relationships too. Yet i'm still insecure about it when it comes to it. I also know not everyone is compatible. Even with my major we learn that people find companions based on background and upbringing. Though aside from that i have times where i wonder why i wasn't good enough or i just feel like absolute shit about myself. Feelings sometimes just screw with your head like that and you don't think rationally. I honestly don't know sometimes though. I have my moments where i feel awful about myself. Thinking i'm not pretty enough and i also have body issues. There are times i feel like i am one gigantic tubbo. I also tend to get shy and not fully be myself around guys and i occasionally get intimidated. It leads me to then think that he just didn't want me for that too. I shouldn't feel this way but sadly i do a lot. Especially after the past year.
Anyways on a happier note i do absolutely love my job. I like what i do and there are times that i kick ass at it. I went through a patch this summer where i doubted myself but this week i have felt awesome. I love my managers from both locations and we always have fun, i have great coworkers, and plus i have the ability to work two locations. It has helped me a lot. I had a manager ask today if it was worth it moving back to Logan since i still work PC every week. It was a great decision and has worked out. I have met so many great people in Logan this summer. A couple have become my closest friends. It's nice being able to still work PC too and see everyone and of course have that money since i am not able to get so many hours at Cache Valley. It's also nice staying with my family and working but i still have the luxury to go back to my apartment. This summer worked out well and i really have been so happy. Anyways that's all i really have for tonight.
