I may just be back

I feel like i'm getting back to a happy point. I pretty much sat in my apartment this weekend and watched season 2 of gossip girl. Yes, I have found how to cure my loneliness. It seemed to work rather well. Once again I pondered the situations before me. I'm trying to maintain the highest amount of happiness and figuring out ways to do so. In some cases that meant getting certain people out of my life. After my breakup I went from dating such a sweet person to guys that just aren't the nicest. I continually went back to the same one. I don't need someone that ignores me most of the time and just calls me when he gets lonely. Self respect and walking away is a beautiful thing. But what happens to counteract this? I have three new people come into my life. A couple are still making their way in, but it's just amazing how this happens. It gives me hope that it will get better. Of course once I have my mind clear, I go with my philosophy of doing what I can to better things. Meeting new people and doing what I love just seems to go with that. I've still had to try and move on from my break up too. I feel like your heart has to start to let go before you can fully try and move on. When we ended things and I knew it was best to, yet when you have those feelings there it isn't the easiest thing to do.

As everyone knows I have been insanely sick since i've come to school. With my two infections that never seem to leave and other things to it. I'm hoping that I'm starting to get better. After fighting those several times over, and that I am actually taking medication to boost my immune system. It's looking good. I want to be a normal college student who doesn't miss class. I love learning and school. I really think it made me even more depressed being out of classes and not being there to live up to my full potential. Instead I was just doing a little effort to get through classes since I was too sick to deal with them all full force.

I believe things are starting to look up. Not just a good perspective but things are starting to get better. I'm so excited for the holidays. Then soon after that it's my birthday and Rob will be here! :). Hopefully I'll be able to do my intership in California this summer. The way to be happy is to live your life fully and invest love into your relationships. My parents, sister, and few close friends have boosted me up a lot. I love having great phone calls and knowing that they're there, even if they are far away is distance. I even love those sweet phone calls from my little brother, and just being able to hear that sweet little voice when he tells me he loves me. Small little things that make me feel so much better.

Oh and if I have learned anything this past week. Many guys are just creepers. Last week was creeper week and I had so many odd experiences. Even though my heart to heart with my new guy manager did help me understand guys so much better right now. With my recent situations. It was a great and interesting perspective.

Anyways this is so long and I have classes to catch up on. I love you all! Enjoy the snow.

Well this weekend was amazing. I had a lot of fun at the howl and it was just great. Sunday I had to work at nine, which was awful. Then I just layed around at my dorm. It wasn't too exciting. Yesterday I had to go to court. We got up there and they didn't have a paper that was needed that was relating to my plea, so I have to go back on the 29th. I essentially missed class for nothing. I took a certain person to court today that was there that night. They ended up getting two days jail time. We saw it was coming due to the judge, but it broke my heart hearing that. Were good kids that were just in a stupid situation and we've learned from it. It's not fair that this is happening. Also with what happened that night. My god I just don't understand.

I'm also tired of so many people around me. I'm sick of listening to people judge others. I don't have anyone here I can talk to. I want to be home right now. I absolutely want my family more then anything. It's beyond me what to do right now. I love going to school, but i'm just not sure how much I can stand certain people here. I feel like i'm back in Utah County, and i hate that. I'm not mormon or conservative. My views are very different. I don't go around drinking even if I hang out with people that do sometimes. And yeah I have dated a lot of people this year and I can tell i'm looked down on for that. I can tell people just think they know everything I do because I hang out with certain people or because I date different people. I love my university and many friends here, but this is bothering me a lot. Along with i'm really only close to one person, and I never see him. I don't know right now. We'll see how things go.

Yesterday and today have been perfect. I ran a booth at the masa carnival yesterday and I loved it. It was so nice to volunteer and see so many cute little kids. Then the dance last night was fun for a little while. I started at aeropostale here in Logan today. I absolutely love it. My boss and coworkers are so friendly, and I like it there too. It's a lot less busy from Park City, so that will take getting used to. I essentially got paid to pass out candy today. Once again, I loved the cute children and their costumes. There were even parents that had their kids take pictures with me, since they liked my peacock costume so much. It was really entertaining. The howl is tonight and I am SO excited. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, so I absolutely love everything going on. I have no complaints right now. Great attitude and i'm just done with any negative people in my life. After my break up, I was having such a hard time that I got with some not so great guys. Nothing really happened, but some of them are just users and I don't want that. I've had some really awful breakups and guys this year. I have decided that I want to remain single for a while. Yeah I don't think anyone though they would EVER hear me say that considering i'm always with someone. Hell my roomates give me so much shit for how many guys i've dated this school year. I need to focus on myself and school, and not focus on assholes that try and use me. I know not all guys are like that, and when it's meant to happen, it will. I'm glad that Charlie is one of my closest friends, and even though we broke up, were still close. I'm just glad there are still good guys out there like that. They don't just try and get in your pants, and they are actually there for you when you need it. Thank you to the good guys out there. Rob, Carson, Nick, and Charlie are the sweetest guys I know. I'm so glad I have them. That's all I have for everyone. I'll write on monday and do my court update. hahaha

Happiness

It has definitely been a week of ups and downs. Yet I have felt a lot better from last week. It has really only been at night that i hurt, but it hasn't been that much. As of today I just feel amazing and so happy. I've talked to so many amazing friends this week. Rob has called me from England and Lauren and I had a two hour conversation the other night. It's hard having two of my closest friends in England and California. I love them and I am so glad that I have such good friends. I've also talked to my family a lot this week and spent time with people around campus and in my building. I am surrounded by some amazing people. It's amazing how just changing your mindset can help everything so much. There are still hard things going on, but it helps being positive and realizing the good things in your life. I've been looking at a blog this week that has made me so greatful for everything. Growing up, my family was really close with a family that had three kids. After my parents divorce and through our moves, we slightly lost touch. Recently we found out their son, who was mine and my sisters friend in our childhood, had a drug overdose and is in a coma. This happened back in March and they have a blog going documenting just about everyday of how he is doing. We all take being healthy for granted everyday, and I couldn't imagine how I would handle it if any of my siblings were in a coma. I'm so greatful and happy to have so many wonderful people around me, along with getting better from being sick, and also being able to go to school. Just so many simple things i'm glad to have right now. Anyways it is now Halloween weekend and I start work tomorrow and it's the Howl. It will be a really fun weekend. That's all I really have to say. I will post later. <3

Beauty in the morning

After a very long and scary drive last night, I finally made it back to Logan. I spent my time after studying and doing other needed assignment. Once all was done, I just layed in bed and listened to the rain fall outside my window until Four am. I feel like I can think the best within the calm and just beautiful things such as that. I even started to go over song lyrics in my head, which doesn't happen a lot lately. This morning I dragged myself out of bed at 7:30 and begrudingly made my walk to the library to get my textbook back by eight. I was half asleep and didn't want to make the walk in the cold. That soon changed once I stepped outside and it was so nice. It wasn't too cold and I looked up and could see the snow dusted on the mountains. I knew that winter was finally starting to grace us. I started out my day with a nice walk in the lovely new winter morning and my cup of coffee.

It's simple things like that that make me so greatful and just brings me a bit of happiness. I know I made the best decision going home this weekend. I needed just to be alone and think about all of these obstacles in my life. Along with being able to talk to my mom and spend time with my little brother. On Sunday I slept in and took my brother out to lunch. We then got stuff to paint pumpkins and I got my coffee and he got his ice cream. It was a wonderful and pleasant relaxing day. It was also nice that I got some unexpected yet good texts at 3 am that definitely started my day on a high note. I'm glad to feel happy again and that I have finally let go of my guilt and anger. By no means is anything going to be easy, but I know it will be okay. I get to go to court on the 1st for my lovely MIP. Hey maybe they will be nice to me for my .01 alcohol level. It's ridiculous but I'm not worried. I'm just concerned for everyone else. I believe what Charlie says though and I know that shit happens but it will all pan out. That's the update on everything. I hope everyone is having a fantastic week before Halloween. I will be posting soon. <3

Change

I posted just a day or two ago about how I have been trying to get through everything. It had been a month since I had been holding it in, and I spoke rarely and to only a couple people about everything. Last night was great when I went to the homecoming dance with the girls. Afterwards I don't know what hit me, and I just hit a really low point, and I spent two hours in tears over everything. I woke up today and I was packed and in my car within ten minutes. I just decided I needed to go home. I thought my entire car ride home, and I managed to find the reasoning in a few situations. I fully understand my relationship ending. He came into my life for a reason, but that isn't to be together. I have realized that I need to be strong for the people around me, and I can't let this tear me down. The situatons are hard, but were all going to make it through. All of us will come out of it stronger. We all will be okay. I appreciate the people that have been there to help me through this. That have been sincerely. I'm glad I do have good guy friends that don't think the way to help me is by trying to do things with me. I'm better then that, and I don't need anyone in my life that pulls shit like that. Anyways I am finally feeling better thanks to a good support system. Let's hope it stays this way.

Fighting

I'm in my first semester of college and I have had some very amazing times already, yet right now I just want to be home. I feel like ever since that night, it tore everything apart. Everything was a downfall from there. A lot of what is going on isn't even linked to it, even though so much is still happening. I feel guilty if I am happy here when there are people I love back in Park City that are hurting. Right now I feel like I can't do enough, and i'm even disconnecting myself from people here because I am hurting so much. I'm so stressed with everything back home and trying to keep up with school, that I can't even get my health back to where it should be. I don't know how I could live with it if someone I love happens to pass, and I'm here. I've considered coming home next semester, but I don't want to do anything to put my education and my future at stake. Too many bad things are happening to good people. I've always had my "everything has it's reason" philosophy, yet I just can't see it in any of these situations. I just want everyone to be healthy, I want them to have everything and not be in this stress, and I want my relationship back. I've never had regrets, and that night has changed it for me. I want my happiness back to where it was when I first got here. I strengthened myself this summer to where I had such an amazing outlook on life and I was still reasonably happy and I never cried. I just saw my future here holding amazing things. Right now I don't know what I have to look forward to and that just kills me. I feel like I have no one here for me and I have never wanted my family so bad. The eleven dollars in my account wont get me home. I constantly have people around me, yet i'm so lonely. My roomates are close to eachother, but I missed out on that by being with others at the beginning of the year and having a boyfriend. I'm so left out and hurt from it. I go into my room and just sob every night now. I have never hurt this much and I just hope that I can get the strength and pull myself from it soon. I have to make things better for myself, and I just hope I'll have that heart to do that sometime soon. No one should take this as I'm ready to end it, since I definitely wont. This just slightly explains my feelings and why i'm like this right now. I'm trying right now and I don't want to lose people out of my life at a time where I just don't know how to keep anybody in.