Every girl deserves a guy that will think the world of them. That can treat her will respect and not make excuses to her or give her the run around.

What kind of man does it make you if you only text her when you want to get laid and wont reply when she texts you. It does not make you a good guy to start off being so wonderful to make her fall in love with you and then revert to awful ways. If she thinks the world of you and treats you well, then if you can't do the same especially when you've been with the person for a long time, then you're not a respectable guy.

I deserve a man that cares about my well being and can be there for me. I don't need a man who treats me like I'm there for their convenience. I have a heart and I love and I don't deserve to have that stomped on to fill selfish wants and needs.

Love

Ever since my car accident, I've been a mess of a person. For months I would sleep all day to avoid everything and it was the worst depression I've experienced. Im glad I had the strength to come through it and the amazing best friends to help me. Also my family of course even if I didn't have them around all the time and they weren't fully knowing of how bad it was.

This is the first time since then that I feel truly happy and see bright things ahead. Occasionally I'd get happy but i would stress and wouldn't think things would ever fully be great.

I finally got a wonderful job that I will now have for fall. My babysitting job is great but it will end come fall and I do need even more income to pay off debt and for rent and everything this fall. I have a true group of friends that are incredible people. Then an absolutely amazing family. Even if it's not perfect right now with every single person, I won't be devastated since it will work itself out. Along with all that I have finally found strength to not be hurt by not having the person I've wanted for so long. I feel as if I can move on which is an amazing feeling. Also to add my health is finally wonderful again. It just took six months of treatment but I am feeling great. No more daily migraines, back issues, or nausea! :)

I finally feel whole and I love my life. I don't need someone else to make me happy which I've struggled with in the past. I'm excited for the road ahead and starting my new job. No more sitting around and being sad, time to fully live life again. :)

Strength

I feel like I only write on this during hard times but that's when I really have the inspiration to sit and write. I've said before when it was the toughest time of my life and it happens again. My strength has been tested immensely and I almost came to not being able to make it through last week. It was ironic when I had said that things couldn't get worse and oh did they. My strength, faith, and beliefs were very much tested. I couldn't figure out why god would make me want to give up. I can't say I'm completely better but I feel like it was to make me stronger. I feel the strongest I have ever been right now.

I'm still waiting for things to get better. I won't disclose any of the big things that happened last week since honestly they aren't things I want to tell people and I don't want to relive them. It's not anything I did, they're just screwed up things. I do just hope I can get a job soon and I'm in the process of moving on from someone who I know I've had very strong feelings for for a long time. Right now I just want to work, have school, and be alone and find myself. I've realized that as much as there is only one man I want to be with, I don't want to right now and I don't want to be with someone else. I just want to keep busy and find happiness again. I need to be confident again and hopefully see that I am good enough. Once guys continually walk away or you get turned down for a job to people much younger, it really hurts.

I fully believe being positive will bring about great things and I think this could be an amazing summer. I'll be writing more often. This will help me too. I think it helps too to not keep everything bottled up. If I keep my depression from people and they can't understand it, then well it's not going to be a good thing. That's all I have. I do have to say that without my parents, siblings, and best friends, I honestly don't think I'd be here right now. I don't think they know just his much they have helped me and I'm so grateful for that.

All the times i've tried that became so har

It's been a while since i posted and most of which were utterly depressing so i figured i'd explain all that and update.

A lot of people who hang around me have sensed something has been wrong with me the past few months. Only a few who finally came to know about what was going on. These past few months have been some of the hardest of my life and i'm just glad i have come out of it. I'm not going to hide all of it from everyone because that's what lead to my downfall. It may be personal but it's something i need to be open about.

I have been severely depressed over this time. People have to realize that people who have depression can get like that for no reason. I've heard people say that people who are sometimes have no reason to be. It's something that is so hard to get out of and unless you reach out for help, it's nearly impossible to come out of. Then little bad things that happen are so much worse when someone is depressed. After I got sick early in the semester and had my car accident, i had started to get behind in classes. This just led to me getting really stressed and feeling like a failure. Then just small things happening with people in my life and my job and I immediately spiraled down. I got to the point where i would sleep until four in the afternoon to avoid getting up and going out and I didn't enjoy it when i went anywhere with people. I didn't see what good there was in anything anymore and I no longer thought i was capable of doing well in anything. I let it get really bad for a month and finally i realized i needed to get help. And ya know when people tell my parents that i am being a "rollercoaster" it didn't exactly help how i felt. So thanks for being assholes when you didn't know what was going on.

It's been about a week since i've started feeling better due to better medication and since some people finally understood why i was the way i was. I finally just feel happy and find enjoyment in things. I did somehow make it through my classes. They aren't amazing but I know it can't be changed. I'm so excited that i have the break to see my family and hang out with people and go to Colorado. Then i'll come back to a new semester and a fresh start. I still have all this sickness going on but i'm hoping it will all get figured out soon. I just know that everything is going to be okay.

And so we run so far, chasing after everything we want in life, only to watch it fade away in front of us.

That essentially goes to explain a lot of what i've felt like these past few weeks. I've watched something go wrong in every aspect of my life during this time and just not know what to do. It's awful feeling so drained that you just want to give up. I'm grateful that i have the friends that i do, since they helped so much to pull me out of it. Within the past few days i definitely have hope that things may be getting better. So many bad things happen in life and during those times you do need the help of loved ones, it's just sad when those loved ones aren't helping and just contribute to the hurt. Sometimes people just need to stop being stubborn and be there when a loved one needs it.

I always believe that things happen for a reason and once that reasoning is found, it makes it easier to get through what is happening. In some of the aspects i have found it which has been another thing that has helped me through what's going on. I just need to keep remembering that everything will work out how it should. Hopefully a couple things will pan out this week. I'll just have to see. Anyways that's all i have.

Of all the things i know right now

Heartbreaks are a bitch to get over. You would think after quite a while and liking other people that it would go away though no matter what that person will be on your mind. Especially when they shouldn't be because they were such a prick and don't deserve to call themself a man.

Men drive me nutty. One day they're so sweet and the next they're doing some dickish thing. What the hell. (This is generally every guy. I don't want any guy i'm close with or dating to get upset and think i'm calling them a dick. Everything is good right now but of course this is annoying when it occurs)

It really makes you feel like shit when you work your ass off for something for years and don't end up getting it.

It's really sad when you need members of your family and they're not there for you and couldn't give a shit. Unless they're just trying to make you feel awful and reinforce that even when you go to school full time and work two jobs (not to mention i just got offered a third) that you still just aren't good enough.

Well not to mention on that one that i have never been so overwhelmed then at this moment. Though i refuse to give up on any of it.

I don't get people who ya thought you were close to and you come back to school and they don't even awknowledge you. Awesome.

Lastly, i am uberly stoked on being completely alone on Christmas. No, not at all but sarcasm is fun.

Even though all of this sucks right now and my heart hurts a ridiculous amount, i have some amazing friends who i wouldn't trade anything in the world for. Even with all this i am blessed with some amazing friends right now and the best roommates i could ask for. Though of course they're on the amazing friends category. I know things will get better and i just need to keep plugging through. Thank goodness for those friends or i would just let all this make me never want to leave my bed right now. Such is life though and there will be a lesson and strength in all of this no matter how hard it all is.

I'm not entirely sure why i just did this in second person but oh well. Anyways that's all i have. Here's to a good November.