Of all the things i know right now

Heartbreaks are a bitch to get over. You would think after quite a while and liking other people that it would go away though no matter what that person will be on your mind. Especially when they shouldn't be because they were such a prick and don't deserve to call themself a man.

Men drive me nutty. One day they're so sweet and the next they're doing some dickish thing. What the hell. (This is generally every guy. I don't want any guy i'm close with or dating to get upset and think i'm calling them a dick. Everything is good right now but of course this is annoying when it occurs)

It really makes you feel like shit when you work your ass off for something for years and don't end up getting it.

It's really sad when you need members of your family and they're not there for you and couldn't give a shit. Unless they're just trying to make you feel awful and reinforce that even when you go to school full time and work two jobs (not to mention i just got offered a third) that you still just aren't good enough.

Well not to mention on that one that i have never been so overwhelmed then at this moment. Though i refuse to give up on any of it.

I don't get people who ya thought you were close to and you come back to school and they don't even awknowledge you. Awesome.

Lastly, i am uberly stoked on being completely alone on Christmas. No, not at all but sarcasm is fun.

Even though all of this sucks right now and my heart hurts a ridiculous amount, i have some amazing friends who i wouldn't trade anything in the world for. Even with all this i am blessed with some amazing friends right now and the best roommates i could ask for. Though of course they're on the amazing friends category. I know things will get better and i just need to keep plugging through. Thank goodness for those friends or i would just let all this make me never want to leave my bed right now. Such is life though and there will be a lesson and strength in all of this no matter how hard it all is.

I'm not entirely sure why i just did this in second person but oh well. Anyways that's all i have. Here's to a good November.

The down weeks

I feel as if it doesn't matter how great your life is, there will be weeks where everything just becomes too much and bad things happen. Even this week in sociology we were discussing about families and the different upbringings we all had. It just brought me back to how sometimes how i miss those days. It was my sister and i against the world and we had no idea what bad was ever occuring. The days before i ever worried about bills, how much homework or work i had, or when i felt so insecure and hurt. I never had to ponder what the hell it was that was wrong with me of why i guy just up and walked away without a word. The fact that i now let that hurt my current relationship because i always wonder why i'm not good enough.

This year has been amazing and i'm just not entirely sure why i have been so upset all week. It's definitely a mixture of things though i just shouldn't have been as badly as i was. I'm just ready to go and see my sister and make up my mind to what i want to do. I don't know if i want to stay here the entire year. I feel as if i'm just burnt out and just need the person who has been there my entire life and who i've always been the closest to. I'm letting my past effect me too much and maybe getting out of here is the solution to that and the hurt that it brings. It's really awful that it took my car accident and all the care from people to help me see that i'm not so alone. I have wonderful friends and i know that but there was just still something in me that caused me to wonder about a lot of people and that kind of helped it. Everything is just complicated and i have been under so much stress that my emotions are wacked out. Hopefully next week brings something better. Anyways that's all i really have to update.

fulfillment

16 credits, two jobs, and one hell of a social life. This year has started out wonderfully. Without a doubt i'm insanely busy, but everything is just great. I'm working hard yet i'm still able to play hard and really enjoy everything. I finally have a group of friends that i have been wanting for so long. Were all just tight knit and it's great just to have dinners with them or all the random fun activities we can go out and do. My heart really hurt a lot coming into this year and it really has just repaired amazingly in such a short period. People come into your life when ya need it. I also came into this year believing that a good guy with good intentions didn't exist and i think i may have actually been proved wrong.

Then i have made the decision to move to California in may. Well why would i choose to move if i love my life so much here? There are several reasons to it.
1. I miss my sister and her boyfriend and i really want to be by them
2. I've lived in Utah almost my entire life and think it would be great to try a completely different place
3. I've always wanted to live in California and it has always been a dream of mine to go to school there at some point
4. I really think it will be an adventure and a good way to grow. I need to live my life more then just remaining in the same place.

As planned i will be in Santa Cruz the entire summer. If i love it and don't get too homesick from my family and friends, then i will stay. Though i may come back to Utah State. I do love it here and don't want to completely leave my friends and family. We'll just have to see.

Though i just can't believe how amazing everything is. Family, friends, guy, work, school. Everyone in my life is doing well. My grandma has miraculously gotten so much better. I love seeing her feeling well and happy again. I truly have never been so happy and i am really proud of what i am making of myself. I never thought i would be able to be a staff writer for my universities newspaper, though i am doing it and i continue to grow. I also was just really happy i got into school in California and am taking the risk and having my own little adventure to go out there. I feel a large sense of accomplishment and fulfillment and it is such a wonderful feeling. It's just all good things to update.

And here's to the start of sophomore year

It's still hard to believe i've already finished a year. I was helping freshman friends move into their dorms and it felt like yesterday that i was moving into the LLC. This year has already started off incredibly and i can't wait to see what the year has to hold. I LOVE my classes. I can tell it's going to be a lot of work though they are all so interesting so it will be wonderful. I also got hired on with the statesmen. I'm in a trial run right now though if all goes well then i will be kept on. I am so excited for it. Then i also have decided to go greek this year. I think it will be great and i do hope all goes well.

The end of this summer did not end on a high note. My second job had turned out to be a scam and i had close friends backstabbing me left and right. Also some money issues at the time even though they are resolved now. I was just so stressed and upset with everything that i really just wanted to shut down. Then someone i had feelings for just up and walked away without any explanation. It came to the point though that i wouldn't take people hurting me and if they do then they are out of my life. That is what i did with every single one of them. I really am happier because of it. If someone is like that then why should i have them in my life? There is no reason why i should. If you lose my trust, then you lose my friendship. Everything happened wonderfully though at the start of this school year. I look around at all my friends and i have never had so many friends and especially close ones. It apparently wasn't a loss to let friendships go. I feel so greatful to have a wonderful best friend too. Were just so much alike and i really can tell her anything. I don't feel like she's ever trying to be in competition in me too like some friends have been. She has been absolutely amazing. Also even within a week i have made several great friends and met some damn cute guys that i am actually close to now. Everything works out the way it should. I just had to tough it all out.

I'm sure this year will be great. I also can't wait to see my sister next month. I am losing my mind without her and Adam. There are so many things i'm excited for right now. Anyways that all i have to update. Peace!

Holding together

I feel like the main thing that describes everything right now is just stress and insecurity. I've been holding it together with work and going between PC and Logan each week and still seeing my grandma. Thank goodness some good things happened this week moneywise. Such as getting a grant for school and plus having loans. It has made it possible to pay for school, housing, plus to help with my credit card a lot. Yet waiting on paychecks is still nervewracking when you're completely broke. Some money never came through from working at PC plus i have no idea what's going on with my second job anymore. It has just made me so stressed out not knowing when i'll have money in to pay for the rest of my bills. Sometimes being an adult sucks. Even though it is great sometimes when there are little bills to be paid.

Though oh goodness there has just been a lot this week. When any type of drama hits with people it's at the same time. I'm the type of person that has a strong belief that everything happens for a reason. That being with relationships too. Yet i'm still insecure about it when it comes to it. I also know not everyone is compatible. Even with my major we learn that people find companions based on background and upbringing. Though aside from that i have times where i wonder why i wasn't good enough or i just feel like absolute shit about myself. Feelings sometimes just screw with your head like that and you don't think rationally. I honestly don't know sometimes though. I have my moments where i feel awful about myself. Thinking i'm not pretty enough and i also have body issues. There are times i feel like i am one gigantic tubbo. I also tend to get shy and not fully be myself around guys and i occasionally get intimidated. It leads me to then think that he just didn't want me for that too. I shouldn't feel this way but sadly i do a lot. Especially after the past year.

Anyways on a happier note i do absolutely love my job. I like what i do and there are times that i kick ass at it. I went through a patch this summer where i doubted myself but this week i have felt awesome. I love my managers from both locations and we always have fun, i have great coworkers, and plus i have the ability to work two locations. It has helped me a lot. I had a manager ask today if it was worth it moving back to Logan since i still work PC every week. It was a great decision and has worked out. I have met so many great people in Logan this summer. A couple have become my closest friends. It's nice being able to still work PC too and see everyone and of course have that money since i am not able to get so many hours at Cache Valley. It's also nice staying with my family and working but i still have the luxury to go back to my apartment. This summer worked out well and i really have been so happy. Anyways that's all i really have for tonight.

Of the many things i dislike at this moment

The list of things i really dislike right now. Possible with explanations to follow
-Ungodly debt
-Power struggles in my extended family
-Feeling like i can't do anything right sometimes
-My grandmother being sick
-The Cache Valley justice system
-Guys who can't make up their minds

Of all the things going on right now, i am actually quite happy. I'm stressed out of my mind but i'm managing. First off my debt is definitely a large contributor to my stress. Hell if i didn't have that then i wouldn't have to be going between two locations and getting another job. I don't mind going between locations, i just hate feeling like i'm a pain in the ass with my bosses. My debt isn't fron unnessicary purchases or anything, it's all from doctors, optical, or just getting food to get by. The biggest cause too is thanks to the Cache Valley justice system. I do believe the courts are great to have but sometimes i do believe they exercise their power just for the sake of doing it. Yeah i'm sorry i drank just a wee bit of alcoholic tea one night but it is really worth sacking me with over six hundred dollars of things to pay? NO. The sad thing is they said that my record was great and they could tell i was a good kid. Yet i still get all that. I can't even explain how much better things would be if i didn't have all that to pay. Having that even interferes with me trying to live and get my education. I'm supporting myself so i can have a roof over my head, food, my car to get to and from my jobs and seeing my family, and so i can pay for school. Am i able to put a dime towards school due to all of this? no. It just puts me in more debt. It just has me all sorts of pissed off. Then as i'm trying to work all my jobs to pay my enormous debt, i have my ailing grandmother who i'm trying to see. Does my extended family make it any easier? That answer would be a solid no. My father and my one aunt absolutely hate their sister that is my other aunt. This all just causes unneeded issues. I used to get my gas paid for with my grandmothers card to come down and see her. Now due to a power struggle, i only have access through my aunt and have to drive far out of my way to get it filled up. Not to say it's insanely offensive acting like i don't know how to handle such a thing and that i'll let it fall into the wrong hands. I also hate how my grandmother still to this day deals with them going back and forth about how terrible the other one is. Honestly, shut the fuck up and let them women have peace. That by no means helps her, it causes her to even get worse with that stress. I apologize for the language and that usually is not me to say that type of thing, but it's the only thing that can completely explain my feeling on that.

Then the guy thing. Not the biggest issue. It's annoying but i have bigger problems. My relationship didn't last long just because neither of us were ready. I just hate how guys go back and forth about wanting and not wanting. It's ridiculous. Well this blog was angry. It was needed. I do have a great day ahead of me tomorrow so it's time for bed. Peace.

Oh the days of learning

Without a doubt this summer has been amazing and it continues to be. I just am so stoked to go back to school. It's not for the social aspect either. That part is great and i love all the things that go on during the year but it's not the only thing i miss. I can't wait for classes to start up. I'm just the type of person where i do like working but i don't want to do it all the time. I love school and have to have that in my life. I still did well in classes last year but i definitely plan on applying myself more. As long as i study harder then i know i can ace it all this year. I love learning and even just studying. It's great to feel accomplished and gain more knowledge. I also just want to sit at my desk right now and do homework but i have nothing to do sadly. I feel like such a bum just working and then spending the rest of my days sleeping and such. I do go to Salt Lake a lot to help my grandma but i still need something to make me feel more accomplished. I'm excited to be able to go cozy up in the library again and study with my coffee. I love it. People probably think i'm weird for this but it's just what i like. Especially since my mindset has changed it will help me to do better since i'm so much happier then i've ever been. Even though i've always loved school, i'd get overwhelmed easily or depressed and i'd stop applying myself as much. I would have kicked ass in high school if i would have done that. Though the past is the past and i can just change the future. All i know is everything happens for a reason. I continue to think that with school, relationships, and everything else in my life. It has helped me so much realizing that. Instead of just trying to change or dwell on everything, i just let it play out. It's my philosophy and it has done me well. Well it's time for bed. I just wanted to write a bit!