Loss

This definitely isn't going to be a happy blog like the last few. A lot is happening and my heart just really hurts right now. Within fourty eight hours my cousin passed away tragically and it was told to me that i don't have a lot of time left with my grandmother. My cousins passing is sickening and sad despite not being close to him. That being because a lot of my extended family lives in Alaska and i only see them for family reunions. On the other hand i'm very close with my grandma. I know i mentioned in a past blog just how close i am to her. I really don't know how to handle it. I'm now planning on driving down to Salt Lake a couple times a week so i can her. Even more if i can. Honestly i don't know if i'll be getting a second job because of it. I'm not completely sure yet. I'm just hurting a lot right now and need the people i love more then ever to be there for me. Yet i don't feel like i really have anyone except for a couple people. It's sad i don't even feel like i have my close friends there. Anyways that's all i really want to update for now.

Relationship complications

Well honestly, it's not really relationship complications when there is no relationship. You know how i said over a month ago that i didn't want a guy? Well i still don't really unless it's someone that truly means a lot to me but yeah it apparently only lasted until i got to Logan. As much as i have my days where i don't feel good enough, i do realize that that isn't exactly the case. I feel like this everytime a guy walks away, yet i avoid having a relationship like the plague. Every guy i have i just look at everything and don't want it, i like meeting different guys and seeing all the types there are out in the world. Then it just happens that i realize when i figure out that it's just about having that certain person that makes me want to go all in. I'm a really confusing person if you can't tell and as i've been told recently. For once there is a guy that i wouldnt mind this happening with. Though i've become the type of person where i will just let everything play out. If that were to be the case then great, but if not then it's not meant to be. I just don't want to be the girl where the guy just wants to hook up. I'm not that girl. I'm fine with being alone. I want a guy who will actually say he misses me or will start off a conversation with hey beautiful. One who wants to just lay there and watch a movie with me instead of pushing something else all the time. As i've discovered recently though, all of this only matter to me if it's someone i have feelings for. With out it is definitely sweet, but i still can't force myself to feel anything based on that. But damn for a guy i have feelings for, that would make me melt. Honestly what happened to sweet gestures or surprises? I'd like to know.

At nineteen years old, it isn't the greatest guy pool either. Guys are either on their missions (which wouldn't exactly be for me either) or they just want to hook up. I feel like guys would probably do better with girls if they would actually be a friend and want to hang out and do something aside from getting her pants. This is just stuff i've realized a lot lately. I only have feelings for one person right now and as i wait for that person to get back, i'm staying single. I'm sure as hell content with friends and work and i don't need a guy to define my summer. Honestly i'm pretty over meaningless things with guys. I'm fine with being alone sometimes and not needing a guy to make me happy. Anyways that was kind of a needed rant for me. It's bedtime now. Peace everyone.

Amazing :)

Honestly can life get any better right now? Hardly. Everything is just wonderful and so surreal. I'm definitely still looking for a second job which would just make things even better. I did feel like today was the day i would finally get a call on a job or something would happen. It was in fact the day and i have two interviews this week. :). I'll see what pans out. Moving up here for the summer was the best decision i could have made. I'm so happy and everything just turned out so well. I love where i live, i have amazing roommates who i'm so close with, and i have met many great people up here. I also got a promotion at my job. It definitely helped secure my hours. Then i had a person come back in my life recently who i missed a lot. Everything just turned out so well and i'm the happiest i have ever been.

There are also so many fun things planned for the summer. Bear lake, many concerts, and possible trips. I'm so excited for this summer. It's well on it's way to being the summer of my life. The only downside right now is i'm feeling distant from a few people who i was once very close to. It's sad when one is a member of my family and then a couple close friends. It's not always distance that tears people apart. I wish this would all change but there are just too many great things in my life right now and i refuse to let anything bother me.

I figured i'd update but i'll write more later when i'm in a writing mood. It's my day off tomorrow so i plan on sleeping a ridiculous amount. It's time to start that. Everyone have a great week!

growing up and moving on.

So for once in a long time i'm single. For people that know me they know that i always have someone i have something with. I don't ever feel like i need to be with someone or i haven't ever just wanted to be single. I just let it happen. If i ever didn't have someone i was fine and if i did then i was too. I've never just had the point though where i don't want anything. I can tell i've hurt a couple people since i wasn't sure at first and then shot it down. It's not just the fact of being alone that i don't have to deal with guy drama or heartbreak. It's definitely a plus but i'm so focused right now and happy and i don't need anything else. I'm content for now right where i am in life. Yet it's starting to make me out to be the bad guy since i'm hurting people by not wanting anything. It's bad when i think of just going along with it not to hurt someone because i know how it feels, but it's not doing what i want for myself. I hate that it does hurt other people but i need to do what's best for me.

Between work, family, and just outside activities things are just good. I absolutely love my job. Then family is crazy and hectic but still i love them. I move back to Logan on the first and my sister moves to San Francisco the next day. Between everyones moves the past few months and that are about to occur, there is a lot of change for my family right now. It is sad to see that we will all be far away from eachother. I'll still be able to visit every month but it's sad that my brother now is the only kid around and here my mom used to have all here kids nearby and now were all leaving. Even if i may not be the biggest fan of my sister right now i know i'll eventually come to the point again that i'll hate having her so far away. Plus we wont be able to see my grandma and help her as much which hurts me a lot. Even since i've been home i've barely seen her since i can't even afford the trips to salt lake. I know that once i get a second job and friends up there that i'll be coming home less and less. Once we grow up we move on more and more. Not from people in our lives but just because of work and being on our own and finding ourselves. Aside from my job, my family, and a couple friends, Park City doesn't hold anything else for me to want to be here. It's beautiful and i'll always have great memories of it, but i have never liked the people her and i just want to be on my own and be in different places. I'll most likely finish school in Logan but after that i know i will find my place somewhere else. Most likely out of Utah. I've spent all but one year of my life here. I do want to get out of this bubble no matter how beautiful it is.

This has gotten long but i'm just glad i can find happiness out of the simplest things lately. Even just reading a book or a magazine, drinking a cup of coffee and watching the rain fall, or going for a run and just being able to breathe and think. With being busy it's just good meditation to do these things. Anyways i shall stop writing for now. Have a great weekend everyone.

I figured it may be time for an update. There is only a week and a half until i move. In some ways i am very excited but there are some things that are somewhat sad about it. No matter which location i'm at i absolutely love it, but it is sad that i am leaving pc after only a few weeks. I'd rather be missed then have people wanting me to leave. My manager did tell me today he was going to infest my apartment with termites so i can't leave. Oh they all make me giggle. It does sound like i may be able to work mainly at Cache Valley but still work sometimes at pc if they need it. I'm glad i can still work both locations and see everyone and get more hours then just being at Cache. I know they will be going down a lot when i move since it's lower volume. I'm still on my second job hunt. I dearly hope i find one soon since it's really stressful not knowing how i'll be able to make everything. Though things usually work out so i'm just hoping for that.

Work is mainly my life right now. I'm actually fine with it. I've reached a point where i just want to be single too. It's never happened to where i just really don't want anything. Right now i also just want to focus on work and doing what i love. Since the summer started i haven't really gotten the chance to go on runs or write or just read a book. Plus it's almost pool weather. Well maybe mother nature will finally be nice and give us some. All of that has gotten me so excited for summer. Screw summer romances, just give me the pool and sun! :). Anyways i have other stuff i want to do right now. I shall write later.

The way things change

This has been decided for a few days but i had to wait for all of my managers to know before i actually said it publicly. Though i will be moving back to Logan on June 1st. On Monday night i was thinking and it came into my mind. I realized it may actually be possible to go back and live on my own. On Tuesday i had all the money figured out, my parents support, i found an apartment, and had my job transferred back. I finally feel like this summer isn't just going to be long days of work without being happy. I love my job but i just need more then that. I have just a few friends here and my family. My sister is moving to San Francisco in less then two weeks. It definitely wont be easy since i'll be paying rent, food, gas, and other bills i have all on my own. Meaning i am on one serious hunt for a second job. Though i am really excited to be back on my own and being fully self supportive. It is a bonus to have some friends up there this summer too. Plus i can still come home and see my family and friends. It just works out. I have been back at PC aero which has been great. I was worried i wouldn't like it as much since it would be different from last summer and there are so many high schoolers there. But i absolutely love it. My managers are nutty and awesome and i love my coworkers. It will definitely be sad to leave there again but i am going back to other wonderful managers and coworkers.

I'm just so glad to be happy again and to have something to look forward to that isn't months away. It makes my time here so much more enjoyable. I really want to do just a class this summer. I don't know if it will be possible financially though. I will just have to see. Anyways that's all i have to update for now. I need to get to sleep since it is going to be a very long day tomorrow. Have a great weekend everyone. <3

Seriously it's summer?

I just can't believe this year is done. Even packing and moving didn't make me realize it. I feel like were just going on break. But i just keep reminding myself that we are in fact done. Right now it's hard for me since i wont ever be back at the LLC with the same people and it's just done. I know i'll eventually realize that it's a positive thing and were just growing up and going to experience even better things. I just hope i'm not a work hermit this summer since i do really want to see all my friends. Especially USU ones since i know i will dearly miss them. I always love summer since it's about being with friends and having those summer romances and just having so much fun. It bothers me that many friends are spread out throughout the western states and well any guys i start to like just become too difficult. I'm not planning on the summer romance this summer but who knows. I've had it the past few summers. I love it. A couple have even lasted into the year. Plus with the year ending, it's just sad when you have a couple close friends from school who don't actually live far away. You mention hanging out and it's just kind of blown off. I guess my feelings are just kind of hurt right now. Makes me feel like i'm just a friend at the time when they need something.

I'm a mix of emotions now though so in the morning i may not have any of these feelings. After saying goodbye to people today and moving and then going to the memorial. Plus being exhausted after finals. It's just exhausting in many ways so i may just be in a weird state right now. I don't feel like my normal happy self but of course it hasn't been the easiest week for me and many other people. I am going to Zions for the weekend with my family. It should hopefully put me back in a better state. :). Though here is to a good summer! Not just for me but everyone reading this. It is time to sleep since i have to be up early tomorrow. Everyone have a great weekend!