Almost to the end

Lately i have just been really sad that this year is coming to an end. Though this week i finally just realized i am really excited to be home. Without a doubt i'm going to miss a lot of people. Some that i know i will probably not see again. I definitely want to be with my family for a while. I only have a month left until my sister moves so i definitely want to be with her. I will be working two jobs this summer and volunteering at the hospital. Then of course spending way too many hours at the pool as i tend to do. I'm excited for those summer nights and being back with everyone for a while. I know next year will be great too. I just need to move on to a new chapter. I have still been very happy lately but i know there are just a couple things i've started to struggle with again. I've gone through a couple hard breakups this year and then some bad guys that came into my life. Then a couple other i liked who just didn't like me back. It had just caused me to feel like i'm not good enough. But maybe it just all happens for a reason. You're meant to go through some good and bad guys and have heartbreaks before you find that good person for you. It's still hard for me to figure out but it does still hurt sometimes. I'm tired of feeling like that. Then when you're sitting next to someone and realize that maybe your feelings didn't go away after all. It leads to a whole lot of complicated. I just need to figure out all of this so it will all stop hurting me.

Otherwise everything is good and i can't wait to go home this weekend since it has been a month. I did go to Salt Lake this weekend for my grandmas 91st birthday.

I love this woman so much. I just hate thinking that she may not be around much longer. She has been such a strong influence on my life and i have so many great memories with her. I'm so greatful to have been blessed with wonderful grandparents. <3

That's all i have for today. I need to finish getting my stuff ready for registration.

living and love to the highest point

Before i die, i want to fall in love. I want to get what i dream. It scares me that may never happen. I may die unexpectedly in five years or it could be when i'm 80. One of the things i dearly want to happen before then is to fall in love. Beautiful undeniable love that will not falter. Someone that finds a happiness in being with me. At this point in my life, i just want a good guy. One that wants to be friends and wants something more then just sex. One that wont walk away if he does or doesn't get that. As of lately, i just feel like that piece of ass. I don't feel worth anything due to how i've been treated. I'm so tired of guys walking away and ones that if they try and be friends with me that their ultimatum is sex. I'm sure as hell not going to be that girl. I'm now not blind to how guys are at this age and now i'm just worried that they will all be like that. I just want one to prove me wrong. I'll just have to see. I dearly do not know.

I may want to fall in love one day, but my dreams are what come first. I want to graduate and become an FBI profiler that assists as the communications laison. I want to be able to help and make a difference in peoples lives. I believe that i can achieve this and i will do everything in my power to do so. Many people in my life have an idea that this is what i want to do. I don't think anyone truly knows how passionate i am about this. Anyways as much as i would love to stay up and write. It's two am and to achieve my dreams i do need to attend my classes. Goodnight.

A month left

I realized it has been a while since posting. I just have to say that everything is amazing right now. I have never been so happy and upbeat then the past month. Things are great and my mindset is great. It was really hard for a while but i came through and i'm better then i have ever been. I have exactly a month left from today until freshman year is done. Most people are ready for it to be over and i am sad for it to end. It was definitely hard at the beginning and i couldn't wait to go home, but now i'm adjusted and it's incredible. I'm so glad i stayed.

Once again i do have to post that i am just so damn happy to be somewhat single. People keep talking about marriage and i'm just like WHAAAAT!? I was asked by a friend yesterday if i would get married in a year if prince charming walked into my life today and was everything i want. I honestly wouldn't. I have way too much i want to do with my life right now and i will be doing so for many more years. MANY. Even though i wouldn't mind finding one guy who actually cares about me. Maybe that will happen but who knows. I'm just so glad i'm strong now not to go back to guys that are just really not good. I just had a situation last week and instead of putting my feelings first, i used my brain and i'm not going to get hurt again by douchebags. Not to mention i wont lose my self respect. I just had to point that all out since i'm quite proud of it right now.

Well i hope this last month has many wonderful things in store. Hopefully many more wonderful memories too. That's all i have for tonight. <3

Life is not supposed to be easy

The past month has been really hard for my family. My family is stronger then ever through what has happened lately. I wish it were different but it's not so we all have to make the best of it. My family moved today to a difference place in Park City. It's hard considering none of us wanted to make this move. Though as my mom has said "home is wherever you have your family." It's exactly true. I loved our home and i will sure as hell miss it but i know my family can be happy anywhere as long as were together. My grandma has also been getting worse with her health lately. Earlier this week it wasn't looking good, but the past couple days it looks as though she's doing better. I've been down there almost everyday to be with her and it makes me feel so good to bring her food she loves and different treats. My grandma is almost 91 years old and i need to come to terms with the fact of how she's not going to be around forever.

As much as i post a lot about bad things that happen, i'm still happy with my life. As my sister and i were talking about yesterday, a lot has happened this year so far and we've had to learn and grow a lot, yet there are still so many great things in our life. I've still managed to be happy lately and stay positive. I have my family, school, work, and a roof over my head. Plus so many other great things. I got my full grant which helped me so much this year and i can't even explain how greatful i am for that. I still am very lucky. Anyways i have to be up in eight hours to move more stuff. It's bedtime.

There have been many things that have happened the past week. Some of it i really don't know what to make of. I'm just glad that above all things and no matter what is happening, i have my family. On Monday a childhood friend passed away. I mentioned him recently in one of my blogs. It was a sad thing to see for my family but it put a lot in perspective for us. It's hard for us that we will be moving from our home in the next couple weeks, but it's not like we lost one of our loved ones. I know that we will all pull through. Were a very strong family. I layed in bed last night and it made me cry knowing this is the last time i'd be there. There are many amazing memories there. But no matter what as long as were all together that will still always happen.

It has been sad to know my sister is moving in May despite being very happy for her. Now that there is a high chance of the rest of my family moving out of state. I wont go much into that since that's in the process and i shouldn't go into their business. Though right now seeing that that very well may happen, i'm not exactly sure what to do from here. It's left me with a lot of decisions i may have to make. I will go into this further once it is appropriate and if there for sure will be any decisions i have to make. It's just a hard topic on my mind right now seeing that it could possibly happen. There is a lot going on right now but i know we will be fine.

All this past year has taught me is to be positive and to not make situations worse then they need to be. Life can be hard but there are always ways to get through it. I've realized lately that my family is the main thing i have to rely on right now. I don't want friends that only care about getting high or are just uncaring from anything but themselves. At this moment i can name three friends that would still be there in a heartbeat and are just so great to be around. Two of them have for many years. Anyways i should probably go to sleep for class tomorrow. Everyone have a wonderful week.

Certain things i don't understand

I'm in my second semester of college and i just barely turned 19. As of lately there has been a spike in engagements and marriages of people around me. Not just anyone though, they're all my age. In my personal view and in the way i was brought up, i just can't understand people getting married so young. It's just something i couldn't imagine doing at this age. I am independent and know how to take care of myself but in ways i still feel like a kid. Hell I am still somewhat a kid and have a lot more to learn and live before commiting my life to someone else. All power to people but that's just how i feel on the subject. I also know my parents would rather murder me then for me to get married before 25. I don't even think they want me to that early. Anyways that's my rant on that. It was needed.

I don't know if anyone is actually disappointed that i haven't written lately. I feel like i start writing and then i end up having to leave it and i never go back to finishing it and posting it. A simple overview of things: Second semester has been good so far and i'm really liking it. I mainly work, go to class, and i feel like figuring out my love life has become a full time job. After having an ex i was with for a very long time try and get me back, a new guy who apparently led me on and walked away, a guy i've been dating since school started who now feels the need to hide us from his roommates, and then realizing none of this takes away who i truly have feelings for. We are three weeks into the year, I think this is enough for a while. I need time for myself and that's damn well what i'm doing. I am on my men hiatus. Honestly is it that hard to find a guy that wants to treat me right, cares for me, wants more then sex, and maybe wants to send me flowers at certain times. I feel like it's not much to want but hey it will happen when it happens. For now I just need to step off for a bit and focus on other things. That rant was a lot longer then intended.

Anyways for the most part things have been pretty good. Aside from a couple bad things that have recently happened to my family I feel like were pulling through. Somehow everything will be okay. But we will still just have to see. Anyways that's my update and my rants of things i don't understand. I hope it was somewhat enjoyable.

Finally a post and in the new year

I stil can't believe it's 2011. It was definitely interesting ringing in the new year with friends i went to jr high with. Crazy how time flies. It has been a really good break so far. I have spent a lot of time with my family and my grandma who just moved back. Along with working and seeing friends. It has been great being home, but i have started to miss school so much. I've realized how much i enjoy being independent and living on my own. I also am not working much this week due to it being slow. Between school and work, i'm not used to having a lot of free time. I am so ADD when i try and sit down and watch tv here. It's not that exciting. I'm also just so excited for my second semester classes too. I have a lot of fun plans for this week, but it definitely will be nice to get back to school.

I'm in such a different part of my life then i was last year. Plus so much happened in 2010 and my life changed so much. Now i'm just contemplating how i can make this year the best possible. I'm doing my best not to look back on certain bad things from last year. I'm human and there are things that i still think about a lot and i still have a hard time dealing with. It's not something i can let go of that easily. I don't feel that it's right that i should have been criticized by somebody for a time in my life that i was hurting and at the time i really didn't know how to handle it. There are things in life where you can't always just get up and go about your day as if it's completely normal. Things happen and you have to cope with it as you can. I hope this makes sense. All i know is that i am still growing up, and i can't just be told to move on and expected to. I will learn for myself and grow stronger as i can.

Anyways there has just been many things i've contemplated lately along with certain people in my life. It's definitely hard to let go of people that are good to you and mean a lot to you, but i know that to move on and grow, it might be best to let go. I think if i stop continually thinking about everything though, it will work out how it's supposed to. I turn 19 in a couple weeks and i want to make this the best year yet. I'm hoping many wonderful things will come out of it. I also just got my FAFSA done and i'm waiting to hear if i do get any grants. It said i am elgible so i really hope i do. It would make everything so much easier. Well that's all i really have to say. Have a great week everyone. :)